Our recent trio of blog posts have dealt with romantic love from a variety of perspectives. One interesting insight is that it appears to be part of our evolutionary development (see Love: An Essential Part Of Our Being). A basic but crucial question applies to the early stage of a romantic relationship and the almost overwhelming flood of emotion that accompanies it (see Love? Or Infatuation?). After an exploration of infatuation, the next logical question is What comes next? (See First Comes Passion, Then Comes…). All of these articles point toward what most people are looking for in the long-term, which is a healthy and happy relationship. But one lingering question remains unanswered.
The early stages of a romantic relationship are marked for their passion and excitement. That eventually and naturally gives way to deeper feelings that are commonly referred to as “true love.” So the lingering question is: Is there a way to rekindle some of that passion after years or even decades together as a couple — and do so while maintaining the deeper nature of the relationship?
Some thoughts on the answer to that question come from a surprising source. Aldo Civico, Ph.D. has dealt with conflict resolution for 25 years, often involving drug dealers and gang members. That experience gives him the ability to look at marital relations from a unique perspective. Writing for Psychology Today, he explains, “I have been in the business of figuring out how people and groups can transcend their conflict and find a way to connect in order to overcome tough problems and have a better life.” That sounds like the very problem often confronted when couples seek therapy.
Civico takes a tried-and-true approach to problem-solving, focusing on what works. That includes the following seven insights drawn from couples who have developed happy and healthy long-term relationships. Of paramount interest is where these lessons culminate: In the ability to rekindle romance and passion when it seems to fade, even after decades into the relationship.
“They share an ultimate vision about their relationship.” In therapy, couples often reveal that they have never articulated what their idea is of a healthy relationship, much less communicated that to their partner. How much nicer would a relationship be if both partners were striving to achieve the same goal?
“They are committed to unconditional love.” The essence of unconditional love is acceptance of who your partner is. Negotiating with or trying to change a person is not loving them unconditionally. Of course, if your partner hurts you in some fashion, you owe it to yourself to speak up. But you can’t change them. It is up to them to change their own behavior, which they will do out of their own feelings toward you. If not, then therapy is often the next step.
“They fulfill each other’s needs.” Being a good partner involves willingly giving, but giving according to what your partner needs and understanding what those are. As Civico sums it up, “Is it feeling secure and comfortable? Is it to experience variety and surprises? Is it to feel deeply connected and loved? Is it to feel unique and important? Is it to constantly grow and to contribute beyond one’s self?” You have to know what they want in order to willingly give what they need.
“They trust the good intentions of the partner.” No one is perfect. No one is going to fulfill their partner’s needs perfectly one hundred percent of the time. But we can try. And trusting that your partner is trying goes a long way toward building the relationship. This is especially applicable when your partner has actually hurt you. As Civico points out, “To recognize the positive intention behind a harmful behavior consents to find a way to meet that need in a more constructive way, one that turns the heat of love and passion up.”
“They master effective communication.” That begins with a willingness and ability to listen. Misunderstandings often begin when both partners simply do not see a problem or issue in the same way. They may not even know they do not agree on the facts of the matter because they haven’t stated what they’re thinking, how they see things. Expressing that requires both partners talking… and listening to the other.
“They keep curiosity alive.” Everyone changes. You might quietly (or noisily!) reflect on your own changes. Do you take the time to discover how your partner has changed? Or do you see them as locked in time?
“They never get tired of starting over.” This final insight reflects Civico’s experience in conflict resolution. Resolving a conflict requires confronting it, listening to the other, being open and honest. When a couple, even one with decades together, takes the time to resolve an issue, lovingly and without judgment, they discover an amazing thing: That effort can have the fortuitous side effect of rekindling the romance.