By the time we reach adulthood we’ve probably developed habits or routines that we’re very comfortable with. Having a morning cup (or two) of coffee. Hitting the gym by 7:00 am (or 6:00 for the truly ambitious). Watching Sunday night football with a certain group of friends. But whether we realize it or not, habits and routines can play a much more important role in our lives than many people may realize. When a routine involves two people — especially a couple — then the routine can actually function as a ritual.
Rituals have long been researched in the context of religious ceremonies. Recently they have also been studied in their effect on romantic relationships. Writing for the Harvard Business School, Dina Gerdeman says, “Unlike the routine habits or obligations people feel they must get done, relationship rituals are pleasurable experiences that hold significance, acting as symbolically meaningful signs of a solid and happy partnership. Couples who are deliberate about engaging in rituals feel more satisfied, invested in, and committed to their relationships than couples who don’t bother with them.”
A couple’s simple daily routine may depend on something more intrinsic to the relationship: a common interest or passion. Sharing their passion for something, especially on a regular basis, increases satisfaction with the relationship. Families develop rituals naturally, instilling in children a pattern of behavior that they carry with them throughout their lives. Perhaps the most obvious family ritual is dinnertime. It can also incorporate related rituals, anything from a blessing for the meal to an invitation or expectation that everyone will share their day’s activities.
How much do rituals contribute to the success of a relationship? Very much, says Gerdeman: “In terms of couples, previous research shows that divorced couples are less likely to report engaging in rituals than married couples.” Citing recent research, she notes “In one of their studies, a whopping 70 percent of the 200 people surveyed said they engaged in relationship rituals.” That research also indicates that rituals can be divided into fairly distinct categories.
“Date or leisure activity.” No surprise here. That’s why so many couples regularly put Date Night on their calendars.
“Affection or intimacy.” Intimate rituals can be as simple as a goodbye kiss before leaving the house. Or they can be as elaborate as scheduled intimacy — which some couples may be put off by but research has shown to be effective (and enjoyable).
“Thoughtful gesture.” Rituals can also be practical. A text letting your partner know when you’re heading home is often truly appreciated.
“Household chore.” Although research indicates not many couples make this a ritual, sharing an otherwise mundane task can increase the health of a relationship.
“Religious or spiritual experience.” Another activity generally experienced in solitude, a shared prayer can also strengthen a relationship.
Interestingly, how a couple sees the activity is extremely important. Gerdeman returns to recent studies, writing that “The researchers found that the benefits of relationship rituals emerged especially when both members of the couple acknowledged that they actually have them. Couples who agreed that they did indeed have a ritual — meaning they both saw an activity they did regularly together as symbolically important and enjoyable rather than a must-do activity or a habit — were significantly more satisfied than couples who did not have a ritual or who disagreed on whether they had a ritual.”