There’s a good reason that country music songs have a long tradition of lamenting romantic breakups. From What If I Never Get Over You to Die From a Broken Heart, breakup songs are popular because almost everyone can relate to them. The simple fact of life is that people almost invariably endure the breakup of a relationship before they settle into marriage or another long-term romantic relationship. Sadly, people also endure breakups of long-term relationships as well.
What can you do when you feel like you’re going to die of a broken heart? First off, realize that there is no timeline set in stone for recovering from a breakup. People grieve a breakup in much the same way they grieve a death, and there is no right or wrong time frame for grieving or healing. There is abundant research to back up these straightforward observations. Writing for Healthline, Crystal Raypole notes, “If experts haven’t landed on a clear timeline for breakup recovery, it’s safe to assume there is no fixed time frame for healing.
“The truth is, breakup recovery varies so widely because so many different factors can affect the process. Your own experiences might even emphasize this.”
That said, there are also some general statements that apply to most people. For example, the more deeply you were involved in the relationship and the better it seemed (at least to you), the longer it will take to recover. Also, if you saw the breakup coming, you might get back on your feet more quickly. If you were blindsided by your partner, you may need more time to process what went wrong and think about why you were so blind. Also, as is too often the case, if infidelity was the cause of the breakup, watch out — dealing with betrayal can be a long and involved process. Finally, who initiates the breakup? If you saw the need to get out of the relationship it’s probably still going to hurt, but if your partner initiated the break then you may also need to deal with a feeling of rejection.
Although there is no sure way to speed up recovery from a breakup (and actually there shouldn’t be — grieving needs to be part of the healing process), there are positive actions you can take to maintain your emotional and mental health as you grieve and heal. Raypole offers some good advice for doing exactly that.
“Remember, it’s OK to grieve.” No matter the loss — anything from the death of a friend or even a pet to the loss of a job — the fact remains: grief will have its day. It is a necessary process and as has so often been said, it is the price we pay for loving. So accept even if you can’t embrace the process and know that it is normal and therapeutic.
“Focus on self-care.” Maintaining your physical and mental health helps you grieve properly. Even if you don’t feel like it, go for walks or get some other form of exercise, eat healthy foods, get enough sleep and, very importantly, avoid alcohol or drugs — self-medication is not self-care. Mindfulness — anything from prayer to meditation — is also very helpful.
“Keep a balanced perspective.” More than likely, the demise of your relationship wasn’t entirely the fault of either one of you. Keep this in mind in order to avoid piling all the blame on either one of you. Figuring out what went wrong can be helpful for future relationship but don’t worry about figuring out everything all at once. Also, it’s okay to admit that you might be confused. As Raypole points out, “Instead of denying or invalidating your feelings, remind yourself it’s OK if you still love your ex. Give yourself space to fully experience those emotions. A journal offers a great place to express your thoughts about the breakup and lingering feelings.”
“Keep your distance.” Continuing to call your ex or checking on them through social media rarely does any good. It’s time to let go and keeping in touch only prolongs the process.
In the end, the length of time it takes is not really the issue (unless you’re struggling with your emotions an inordinately long time). Your focus should be on grieving and healing in a healthy way. When you begin to think back on your ex and the good times you had, when you feel comfortable being alone with your thoughts and when you begin to look forward to forming a deep and intimate relationship with someone new, then you know you’ve “gotten over it” and you’re ready to move on.