Marriage Counseling Insights From Westlake Village-Based Patricia McTague-Loft

Here’s a simple question for you: What’s the best way to express love to your spouse or partner? Many people in a long-term romantic relationship might immediately think of the amazing things they’ve done for their loved one — bought them dazzling diamond earrings or surprised them with an unforgettable birthday party. Dramatic (and often expensive) displays of affection are fine, but how often do you really get the chance to wow your partner with them?

What may be a more important measure of love is your everyday speech and behavior — granted, not nearly as exciting as surreptitiously planning a European vacation but significant nonetheless. How you relate to your partner on a daily basis, often without even noticing how you may be perceived, may in fact form the foundation of a successful relationship — or be a red flag indicating trouble. Writing for Forbes.com, Mark Travers, Ph.D., describes everyday behavior as consisting of “micro-actions.” “These micro-actions — small, often unconscious gestures — can hold surprising insights into the state of your relationship. They can signal unspoken needs, hidden frustrations or even deeper emotional bonds.” What are these micro-actions and what do they mean? Travers explores five in particular.

“Tone Of Voice.” What a person actually says is actually not the most important element in verbal communication. Certainly, some words — the first time a person says “I love you” or, conversely, especially hurtful words — are truly memorable. But research has shown that the literal message conveyed by words is rarely remembered for very long. What is recalled is how those words made you feel. Tone of voice is one of the most important factors in making a person feel comfortable. “A warm and compassionate tone — even during disagreements — reflects emotional safety, respect and a willingness to navigate challenges together,” writes Travers. “Research shows that listeners perceive speech with a slower rate and lower pitch as more caring and sympathetic. So, the way your partner speaks in everyday moments can provide insight into how they truly feel.”

“Body Language.” Perhaps the most widely discussed and acknowledged form of non-verbal communication is body language. Originally developed as a concept by anthropologist Albert Mehrabian, body language is studied by students pursuing degrees in communication and practiced by professionals in a variety of industries. A pioneer of body language proposed that communication is 55 percent non-verbal, 38 percent vocal and only seven percent words only. Being aware of your body language is crucial for understanding how you are perceived, especially by your loved ones. Travers lists three body language signals worth keeping in mind:

• Signs of emotional closeness include leaning in, making frequent eye contact or unprompted physical touch.
• Conversely, actions like fidgeting, avoiding eye contact or crossing arms can indicate discomfort or withdrawal.
• Multitasking while you’re speaking, like scrolling through their phone, might signal disengagement or avoidance.

Paying attention to good and bad body language can help you stay in tune with the state and health of your relationship.

“Small Acts Of Kindness.” Simply put, it’s not the value of a small gesture that is important, it’s what the gesture indicates. As Travers summarizes it, “When your partner makes your favorite coffee or checks in after a long day, it’s more than just a nice gesture — it’s a sign of their care and attentiveness. These small acts are a way of saying, ‘I’m thinking of you,’ and they carry more weight than we often acknowledge.”

“Attention To Details.” Many minor conflicts in a relationship begin with one person forgetting something their partner told them. That’s when Weren’t you listening to me? can turn into the far more damaging You never listen to me. Remembering your partner’s likes and dislikes, horror stories of a particularly bad day at work or celebration of an accomplishment shows that you value their life and experiences. But remembering is hard to do when you don’t pay attention. Travers offers some advice: “To gauge attentiveness, watch for whether your partner remembers small details you’ve shared or notices when you’re feeling off and checks in with you. Remember, while occasional forgetfulness is normal, a consistent lack of attention to the small things can indicate they’re mentally withdrawing.”

“Responsiveness To Emotional Cues.” We’ve written about how valuable it is for a person to have “soft skills,” including emotional intelligence (It Takes More Than A High IQ.”) Having emotional intelligence includes having a high degree of self-awareness and considerable empathy. If you’re self-aware, you’ll pick up the behaviors discussed above. You’ll be in tune with your own tone of voice, body language, daily acts of kindness and ability to remember details of your partner’s life. You’ll also be aware of your partner’s ability to do the same. If you forgive yourself for not being perfect in every one of these respects, you will also — by being empathetic — forgive your partner for the same. A gentle critique of yourself and your partner can reveal a lot about the health of your relationship — and ways to improve it.