Virtually everyone in a long-term romantic relationship would admit that keeping the flame alive and deepening the relationship takes a little work. Not in the dreary sense of a job you really don’t feel like doing, but in the delightful sense of dedicating yourself to an activity you love. Many people take action to keep their love life healthy, perhaps surprising their partner with a little unexpected gift or going out of their way to compliment them.

Acts of kindness are terrific and should reward the giver with a deep of satisfaction for taking the initiative. However, would you like to know what may be a more powerful and effective way to deepen your relationship? It’s through the simple act talking to your partner in a real and genuine way. That’s right — conversations have been proven to help people connect and to help lead to happiness.  Although the effects of a deep conversation are noticeable, it’s long been a problem to identify the source of the effect. Partly, this is the result of the fact that conversations involve much more than verbal communication. Everything from body language to the timing of a comment as you converse plays a part in the quality of the conversation.

Good news, though, comes from the American Psychological Association (APA). Writing for the APA, Zara Abrams says, “That’s all starting to change, with artificial intelligence and advanced neuroimaging unlocking new insights about how we interact. Already, psychological research is offering valuable tips that can help deepen our relationships, resolve political conflicts, and even help people at risk for suicide. On a smaller scale, high-quality conversations can give us a welcome boost in our day-to-day lives.”

What are these new insights? Abrams discusses a couple that are especially important.

Going deeper. Talking to your partner about everyday life is important. It’s great to hear how their day went, what the kids are up to, news about friends and family. But there’s a difference between daily chit-chat and a deep conversation. The latest technology mentioned above is revealing that the depth and meaningfulness of a conversation increase connectedness and happiness more than people expect. One problem, though, is that diving into a deep conversation, even with your partner, may seem awkward at times. This research should encourage people to accept momentary awkwardness for the end result: an improved relationship.

Citing recent psychological research, Abrams offers an insight that should help anyone who wants to improve their conversational skills. “Another way to connect during conversations” she writes, “is by asking questions — but not just any question. Follow-up questions, in particular, demonstrate that you’re paying attention and want to learn more.”

Hearing others. Another area of research involving conversations focuses on studying people who disagree. When people with different political opinions disagree, for example, their conversation is doomed to be pointless unless both people are willing to deal with their disagreements in a positive manner. Adopting that positive approach has been described as “conversational receptiveness.” Researchers at Imperial College London have gone so far as to develop a method they dub HEAR, which calls people to:

• “Hedge our claims — some people believe…”
• “Emphasize agreement — I think we both want…”
• “Acknowledge other perspectives — You just said…”
• “Reframe requests in the positive — I really appreciate it when…”

Although this research centers on people who do not necessarily know each other and have different belief systems, the results are applicable to friends and romantic partners, because it offers a technique — HEAR — to handle difficult conversations with a loved one.

In short, meaningful conversation is not only a way to deepen a relationship with a loved one, it allows you to navigate disagreements in a healthy, productive way.