Medical disorders come in all sizes and shapes. People unfamiliar with a particular disorder may only be vaguely aware of causes, symptoms and treatments. Attention-deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), for example, receives a fair amount of attention in the news. But if a person does not know someone with this disorder (or does not experience it themself), then they might think it’s really about a young person being hyperactive in school.

The reality is that ADHD is a long-term condition that affects millions of children but often continues into adulthood. It includes a mix of ongoing problems, such as having a hard time paying attention, being hyperactive and being impulsive. If a person was never diagnosed with ADHD, they may have certain behaviors in adulthood that affect their relationships. If the relationship in question is a long-term romantic relationship, then some behaviors may become troublesome issues. For example, if you have trouble listening to your partner while you’re involved with a relatively simple task, or you and your partner go to sleep at wildly different times or you take minor comments as major criticism, then it may be ADHD experienced as an adult.

Writing for the Huffpost, Sarah Bourassa explores the topic of ADHD in adults. “ADHD affects a person’s executive functions, which are skills in the brain that help plan, organize, prioritize, complete tasks and regulate emotions,” she says. The important point is that the person in the relationship without ADHD needs to recognize the other person is not intentionally doing anything to harm the relationship. Moreover, recognizing the signs of ADHD and working to understand the cause of the other person’s behavior can dramatically improve the relationship.

Bourassa goes on to describe several signs of ADHD, including:

“You lose control of your emotions during disagreements with your partner.” The cause may be that people with ADHD often have a low tolerance for frustration. In any case, losing control can be embarrassing and make the other person angry. Instead, the person with ADHD needs to consciously take a pause, taking some slow deep breaths or even leaving the room for a break.

“You feel hypersensitive to feedback from your partner.” Hypersensitivity is a common symptom of ADHD. Being aware of this fact is an excellent first step in dealing with it. The next step is communication. That can be as simple as telling the person that a comment makes you feel your partner is upset with you. If the reply is not at all, then it’s easier to calm down and move on.

“You unintentionally interrupt when your partner is talking.” While the burden here is on the person with ADHD to try and control their impulse to interrupt, it’s also a good idea for both partners to understand that impulsivity may just be associated with ADHD. For the person with ADHD there are little habits they can develop that may help such as consciously folding their hands while someone else is speaking as a reminder not to interrupt.

“You may feel particularly irritated when your partner breaks your focus.” People with ADHD often hyper-focus on tasks. They then may be overly irritated if they’re interrupted. This is another case where they need to take responsibility and come up with a way to signal to their partner they don’t want to be interrupted. That may be something as simple as wearing headphones or ear buds as a cue.  

“You go to bed much later than your partner.” Another sign of ADHD is the tendency to stay up late into the evening. A delayed circadian rhythm accounts for this habit, which is the result of a biological tendency that causes a burst of energy and clarity at night. The problem is that this puts them out of sync with a person on a normal rhythm. This can cause issues with sexual activity or simply keep their partner awake if they’re making noise. This is a case where both partners need to respect the other person’s rhythm and think of some creative ways to maintain intimacy even if they’re going to sleep at different times.

In the end, ADHD may persist into adulthood but with some awareness of the situation and a commitment to communicate it does not have to be an unsolvable problem.