When you’re dating and then forming a long-term romantic relationship, you might feel like you’re exploring a vast wilderness of uncharted territory. You might find yourself stopping and thinking, “Where am I and where am I going?” That’s perfectly natural, but in fact that territory is pretty well charted. In the first months of the relationship (typically called the Euphoric Stage), everything is magical. Your partner has no faults or habits you can’t overlook or laugh at. Enjoying a shot of dopamine (the chemical in your brain that brings a rush of pleasure) triggered during the early months also helps with the euphoria.

Then comes the Early Attachment Stage. After having spent up to year in the Land of Euphoria, you’re finding more balance in your life. You’re not constantly thinking about your partner and other hormones take over — those associated with a more evolved part of the brain that encourage feelings of attachment. For the next one to five years, if everything stays on track, you deepen your relationship and mutually formed a strong attachment to one another.

But watch out. Here comes the Crisis Stage. Research has shown that there’s a degree of truth in the old cliché of the seven-year itch. Couples often begin to drift apart after five to seven years into their relationship; they may also experience a crisis that they must confront and resolve for the relationship to continue. After about seven years come the many years or even decades of deep attachment. But even solid relationships in which both partners are deeply attached can become a little stagnant if each one does not pay attention to and work on the relationship. “Working” on the relationship, though, does not have to be a grind or a chore. As is so often the case with interpersonal relationships, it all begins with communication.

Writing for Psychology Today, Mark Travers, Ph.D. suggests that simply checking in with your partner once a month, asking three easy but important questions, can go a long way toward keeping your romantic connection alive.  

“Did you feel supported and appreciated in the past month?” The value of this question is validated by abundant research, much of which focuses on the value of gratitude. If your partner does not feel you appreciate them, it’s another way of saying that they have a feeling you’re not grateful for them or the relationship. Take the time to express your gratitude to your partner — for small acts of kindness or for simply being who they are — and watch your relationship thrive.

“Are there any challenges or conflicts we haven’t fully resolved?” It’s far too easy to ignore a problem rather than resolve it, which often takes serious effort. But that’s a recipe for disaster. An unresolved problem doesn’t go away; it often merely festers until something triggers an overreaction. It may be hard, but talking about issues openly is the best way to avoid real trouble. Honest conversation acts like a safety valve that lets off steam in a pressure cooker.

“Is there anything you’d like more or less of in our relationship?” You might be tempted to focus on the negative with this question but focusing on the positive can work wonders. “A 2022 study published in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that reminiscence of positive memories results in higher relationship quality and optimism about the relationship,” Travers says. “A monthly check-in to recall and share positive romantic experiences can work like magic and strengthen your relationship.” Developing a history of focusing on the positive also builds credibility for those times when you do want to bring up a more challenging issue. By framing your questions properly, your partner should know that you take the relationship seriously and have the best intentions for keeping it healthy.