One of the joys of parenthood is witnessing your child’s “firsts.” Their first smile, their first step walking and, most preciously, their first words. Many parents sit in awe as their child almost magically learns to talk. Although this is a natural process — with the capacity for learning language genetically encoded — it may seem like a miracle when it happens with your child.
Parents can then take a greater role as they correct their child’s grammar, give them new vocabulary and help them enunciate properly. Many parents, though, do not take advantage of the opportunity to continue the process — they do not teach their children how to master the art of the conversation. The simple fact, though, is that many adults are not aware that conversation is an art, one that can be practiced and improved upon.
Fortunately, researchers are digging into the way in which conversation — real communication between two people — can deepen relationships and improve mental health. Writing for The British Psychological Society (BPA), Emma Young says, “Every time we catch up with a friend, we share the stories of our lives, from the mundane to the profound. Swapping stories — and especially secrets — helps to create friendships in the first place. Now new research is providing some intriguing insights into how to get that process going, and keep it going — on how best to handle conversations, to turn acquaintances or even strangers into new friends, and new friends into life-long confidantes.”
Recent research has revealed some interesting insights that sometimes go against our assumptions. For example, one classic study showed that although we often tend to ignore strangers — barely acknowledging someone you’re sitting next to on a plane, for example — we’re actually much happier when we engage. Let’s not blame ourselves too much, though, for being a bit recalcitrant. The study also showed that people don’t engage because they think the other person doesn’t want to talk to them — which is typically not the case. They do want to talk.
There’s a caveat that goes along with talking to strangers: give them their space. Studies from a wide range of countries show that personal space is universally valued. That said, the idea of personal space is also highly dependent on culture. In America (along with Northern Europe), we generally like a little more space than people from the “contact cultures,” including South America, Southern Europe and the Middle East. Interestingly, women also prefer more space than men regardless of culture.
Another common assumption is that small talk is best. Once again — wrong. Research shows that people think that a more intimate conversation with a stranger would be awkward, but strangers are in fact also more interested in a deeper conversation. This can also apply to people with whom we’ve had long friendships or even a romantic partner. We can assume that keeping a conversation light and upbeat keeps everyone happy. But research has shown that deeper, more meaningful conversations actually create deeper and more meaningful relationships.
What’s another way to master the art of conversation? One easy way is to compliment someone you’re talking to. In this case, the subject of the compliment doesn’t have to be deep or profound — a simple I love your smile or you look great in that color can elicit positive feelings and make conversation easier. One other interesting aspect of the studies that looked at the effects of compliments is that people underestimated the warm and natural reaction to a nice compliment. So go ahead — compliment a stranger or a friend and watch them smile and be more at ease in return.
Since the research shows that people are not sure about how others will react to them pursuing a deeper conversation, or talking at all, it’s nice to know something else that studies have shown: when talk to people they like us more than we think they do. As Emma Young writes for the BPA, “This was the conclusion of a study of strangers who were paired up for brief conversations. Afterwards, they rated how much they liked their partners and how much they thought their partners liked them. And they consistently underestimated how much they were liked — they’d made a better first impression than they thought. What’s more, the shyer the person, the bigger the ‘liking gap.’ ”
What to conclude from these studies? Go ahead and chat it up a bit with that person waiting in line next to you — and take the opportunity to go deeper into a conversation with a friend or your partner. You’ll be glad you did.