As most any parent can tell you, calling up advice that you remember your parents giving you can be strangely comforting. Those little rules of the road — actions speak louder than words, look before you leap! — are intuitively packed with common sense and wisdom. As kids turn into teens, the sayings that seem appropriate to apply contain deeper insights. Advising an adolescent — think before you speak — can truly help them develop healthy relationships with their peers. That particular aphorism — think before you speak — can actually be traced to a variety of sayings in the Bible, from Proverbs to Ecclesiastes, showing that it’s withstood the test of time.
No surprise, then, that recent psychological research expands on this ancient wisdom and backs up its validity. Writing for Forbes.com, Mark Travers, Ph.D., explores the results from a 2024 study published in Communications Psychology, that focuses on how aggressively couples react to each other as an interaction rises in tension. The study actually followed and measured a couple’s interaction in a rather complicated simulated game. But the results contained a very simple observation: if one partner waited five to 15 seconds before replying, their reaction was significantly less aggressive. Interestingly, there wasn’t much difference between waiting five seconds as opposed to 15 seconds. Which indicates that simply holding your tongue for a fairly short period — five seconds! — can make a world of difference when a disagreement with your partner threatens to go nuclear.
Travers goes on to offer a few simple suggestions to make a 5-second rule — thinking before you speak — a routine part of the way you relate to your partner.
“Inform your partner about the 5 Second Rule.” This may seem like a pretty basic first step but it’s necessary in order to have each one aware of their agreed-upon intention — and hold each other accountable for sticking to the plan. On the plus side, it’s also a great opportunity to get a conversation going about how escalating an argument is a two-way street — and deescalating one is too.
“Set your terms.” This may sound like a hard-nosed approach to relating with a loved one. But Travers actually intends it to clarify the details of your agreement. “When will it be okay to call for a pause,” he says, “and when is it important to keep the conversation going? Remember, the rule serves to cool down heated situations; it’s not a get-out-of-jail-free card for difficult conversations.”
“Give it a try.” If your relationship is basically on track, you may not have an occasion to call for a 5-second break anytime soon (good for you!). But when you do call it into play, you may be amazed at its effectiveness — and that may lead to an intimate conversation where you each acknowledge how important it is to keep the lines of communication open and loving.