When you go to the grocery store and exchange a pleasantry or two as you check out — have a nice day! — you probably don’t go home and tell your family what a great conversation you had at the market. Great conversations don’t occur just because you’re talking. And that’s true even if you’re not referring to exchanges with strangers. The same can be said about a little back and forth communication with someone you love. “Did you take out the trash cans?” “Oh, thanks for reminding me — I guess it’s trash day already.” Hardly the stuff of a memorable conversation.

On the other hand, if you’re driving home from a pleasant dinner, you may basking in the afterglow of a truly deep conversation. Which brings up a logical question: When does simply speaking with another person become a meaningful conversation? And, if you admit that a meaningful conversation is something to strive for, how do you go about encouraging that deep connection?

The answers to those questions, fortunately, are well researched. David Webb has devoted significant attention to the subject on his website, All About Psychology. In one article, Mastering the Art of Conversation: A Psychological Guide to Building Deeper Connections, he points to one aspect of a good conversation that research has shown is crucial: being a good listener. “According to a 2010 study by Greg J. Stephens et al, the key to a great conversation lies more in responsive listening than in speaking. The research unveiled significant neural coupling between a speaker and a listener during successful communication — a moment where the listener’s brain responses mirrored those of the speaker, indicating understanding and empathy.”

If you dig into that study you quickly realize the researchers have utilized brain imaging to recognize this mirroring activity. Pretty heavy stuff — and a tribute to the technical expertise of the researchers.

But you don’t have to be a neuroscientist to intuitively understand that being a good listener makes the conversation more enjoyable. If you go away from a conversation muttering, Wow, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, then you’re probably not going to rank the experience high on your list of memorable conversations.

In fact, there’s even more to the nature of a deep conversation than simply listening — it involves a variety of other complex and subtle interactions. Webb mentions a few in his article, including:

Reciprocity. Research scientists enjoy applying scholarly labels to commonsense observations. Basically, if someone hogs the conversation it’s likely to be dissatisfying for the hoggee. There’s almost always a back-and-forth in a good conversation.

Questioning. Questioning is a truly under-appreciated skill. Asking questions shows you’re listening. Once again citing voluminous research on the subject, Webb adds that follow-up questions in particular enhance the quality of the conversation. Why? Because it lets the person know you’re not thinking about yourself — you’re referring to an idea that they brought up. It implicitly shows you value what they said. As an interesting side note, related research also shows that people rarely remember what you said — they remember how you made them feel. Asking follow-up questions simply makes the other person feel good.

Emotional contagion. Here’s a word to the wise if you’re talking with someone and they’re simply bursting with enthusiasm about some idea or experience: Show a little enthusiasm of your own! If someone doesn’t offer them a little encouragement (even non-verbal — smiling, leaning in, grabbing their hand), they might start thinking, they just don’t get it.

Non-verbal communication. Speaking of non-verbal communication, trust the research that says it’s extremely important. As Webb writes, “While eye contact, a nod, or a smile may seem insignificant, they contribute immensely to a conversation. Non-verbal cues constitute a significant part of our communication, conveying attentive listening and understanding. Research has consistently shown that eye-contact serves a number of different functions in two-person encounters, one of the most important being, gathering feed-back on the other person’s reactions.”

Silence. Some aspects of a great conversation are not intuitive. One in particular is silence. Some people might think that a conversation that drifts into silence has stalled. Not at all. It’s important for both people to have a little breathing room to collect their thoughts, form those all-important follow-up questions and simply enjoy the moment.

Happiness. One thing most people do intuitively know is that a deep conversation is priceless. Webb points to a study that “found that substantive, meaningful conversation nurtures happiness.” That makes any effort you make at cultivating a deep conversation more than worthwhile.