Relationships, to understate the obvious, can be complicated. Daily interactions and conversations can be lighthearted and joyful, but they can also take a wrong turn seemingly in an instant. Also consider that whom you’re interacting with can add another layer of complexity. Are you having a nice discussion with your son or daughter? A close friend? A co-worker? Your spouse? Each provides the opportunity for a smooth, or turbulent, interaction. What’s going on here?

Often, a conversation basically just involves small talk. Neither person has an aim or a goal. If they’re dealing with some issue, however, there’s typically a subtle interaction going on. Timothy Sanford took a deep dive into a particular aspect of relational interactions in his book, Losing Control and Liking It, published in 2008. He focused on the interactions between a parent and their teen, examining the differences between control and responsibility.

Since then, Sanford has broadened his view and applies his ideas to all relationships: between everyone from colleague to spouse. Writing for Focus On The Family, Sanford summarizes his original book’s thesis, saying that there are generally four ways to interact with another person. “These styles aren’t personality types (which are mostly unchangeable)” he writes. “Instead, they are ways that people interact relationally in any given situation: hold, toss, grab, or fold. Anyone can use any of the four styles. In fact, it’s possible to bounce back and forth among different styles during a single conversation. Here’s the key, though: Only holding and folding are healthy styles of interaction. Tossing and grabbing aren’t.”

Sanford goes on to discuss each of the four types. Keep in mind that each of these styles focuses on the role control and responsibility play.

Hold. As one of the healthy ways in which a person interacts with another, holding reflects a person accurately understanding what they can control. As Sanford says, “When you use this style, you hold onto things that are legitimately yours to control. You keep what’s yours to keep. You are responsible for it.” A person who knows what is theirs to control and takes responsibility for it is recognized as honest, trustworthy and confident.

Toss. This is virtually the opposite of holding. With this style, a person may understand what they can or should control but refuses to take responsibility for it. They end up saying things like, It’s not my fault, in essence blaming someone else who may not have control of the situation and therefore should not bear responsibility. This is corrosive behavior and makes people regard them as untrustworthy if not dishonest. Sanford sums up this negativity, saying “Those who TOSS find that their confidence wears away. Why? Because confidence grows in direct proportion to honesty, and people using the TOSS style are not being honest. Even if you get away with blaming somebody else — even if that other person does take the fall for your actions — you won’t gain genuine assurance about your character and abilities.”

Grab. People who grab attempt to take control of things they do not and should not control. This is especially harmful in regard to controlling another person. A grabber is not responsible for another person’s actions or the results of their actions. But they try anyway, falsely taking responsibility for outcomes, for “fixing” things.  

Fold. This somewhat metaphorical style pictures a person peacefully folding their hands, not grabbing or tossing, and accepts what they can’t control. A person who declines to take control may seem to be uncaring. But that is probably not the case. They may very well care deeply. They simply recognize they do not own the issue or have responsibility for its outcome.

Developing a healthy style of interacting with others may be difficult because it’s natural to want to have control over your life. But that’s not reality. As Sanford says, “Every day we’re affected by things we have no control over. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, Well, since it affects me, I should have some control over it! But if you do that, you end up interacting as a GRAB-er. Remember: If it’s not yours to own, keep your hands FOLD-ed. Don’t take responsibility for it, even if it has a huge impact on you. At the risk of sounding uncaring, that’s just life.”

Although this is sound advice, it’s not necessarily easy to follow, especially if there is a loved one in your life making bad choices. But there is an old saying that applies here: I didn’t break him; I can’t fix him. It’s an acknowledgement that understanding the relationship between control and responsibility is crucial to developing healthy relationships.