Whether they think about it or not, most people understand that childhood experiences affect and in a way mold who you are as an adult. It might be the simple acknowledgement, I’m pretty happy today — I had wonderful parents. Or, on the flip side, I understand I struggle with my relationship with alcohol because my father was an alcoholic.

This almost intuitive understanding has been validated with abundant research. Attachment theory in particular is one way that we explain how our childhood affects our relationships as adults. It describes how we relate to others and explores the connection between how we were treated as infants and how we behave in romantic relationships. Our first early bonds are what ultimately shape our view of how relationships should feel and work. (See Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship.)

In one sense, attachment style is quite pragmatic. It focuses on how our relationship with our caregivers directly affects how we develop and maintain relationships throughout our lives, especially romantic relationships. But childhood development is actually incredibly complex and nuanced. Writing for Psychology Today, Santiage Delboy points out that “The paths our mind takes to transform childhood experiences into adult decisions are complex. We learn very early on in our lives what we can anticipate from others in relationships and how our needs and emotions will be responded to.

“Much of this process happens pre-verbally and outside of awareness, often in subtle interactions with the people around us, and sometimes impacted by traumatic experiences. This gives shape to unconscious conflicts, wishes, longings, and feelings about ourselves and others. For example, these experiences may impact how we come to feel about closeness, intimacy, vulnerability, and dependency on others.”

It’s a key point that our childhood self is probably not aware of this process unfolding and that the process and anticipated reactions of others is internalized. We develop a self-image and internalize experiences, which lays the foundation for a significant cause-and-effect process — related to but different from a straightforward attachment style. That may include an unconscious fear which affects our choice of and relationship with our romantic partner. For example, a child who experiences emotional neglect may struggle with an ability to feel close to another. They want to be close to their partner but fear of failure produces anxiety. They may, as a result, be attracted to someone who, paradoxically, is emotionally distant.

The problems that may follow can seem to be totally unreasonable or illogical. Someone who was emotionally neglected as a child may simply but annoyingly seek attention from their partner. As Delboy notes, though, there may be another motivation for this behavior: “They may, however, also be motivated by an unconscious attempt to ‘right a wrong,’ demanding — sometimes with intense anger — that their partner provides that which they did not receive, but needed, during childhood.”

Developing a mature and healthy attachment style and resolving traumatic events from childhood later in life is difficult but doable, especially with therapy. Exploring the underlying issues is a complex undertaking. It may go well beyond exploring childhood experiences and delve into feelings, dreams and fantasies. In addition, trying to objectively evaluate our defense mechanisms is no easy task. The good news is that the results are typically worth the effort. Developing a secure attachment style can make a romantic relationship — in fact, all relationships — blossom.