Family Counseling Insights brought to you by Patricia McTague-Loft
One of the most important factors that affect the quality of a friendship or romantic relationship is trust. Friends trust each other to be there when they need them — to “have their back.” The more a person can trust their romantic partner, the more they can open up and reveal their true feelings, which leads to a stronger emotional attachment. Part of building trust is being honest, and people in moments of introspection often challenge themselves to be as honest as they can with themselves and with others.
That is one reason why an opposite behavior — pathological lying — is so damaging to friendships and relationships. It may also be a red flag that should not be ignored. The issue is summarized nicely in an article from the Newport Institute: “Most of us lie once in a while. We’ve all told a white lie to protect someone’s feelings, or stretched the truth a little to avoid a conflict or get out of something we don’t want to do. Lying isn’t ideal in any situation. But when it becomes a habit, and other pathological liar signs are also present, a mental health issue may be causing the behavior.”
Before we get to that intriguing phrase, “pathological liar signs,” it’s important to note that pathological lying is an accepted concept in psychology but it is not classified as a mental health disorder. Rather, the description is valuable because it encourages us to look for that underlying “mental health issue.”
The Newport Institute identifies the 10 signs of a pathological liar as:
- Embellishing lies with extensive details
- Telling dramatic and highly unlikely stories
- Appearing anxious while talking
- Getting defensive when confronted about a lie
- Constantly changing their story or being vague when questioned
- Lying about something even when there’s no reason to
- Seeming unconcerned with being caught in a lie
- Feeling a “high” when they get away with lying
- Passing off a story someone else told as their own
- Acting in ways that don’t match their words
Unfortunately, many of these signs may be subtle, and true pathological liars may have been lying for so long that they’ve become experts at it. This is especially painful in a romantic relationship where a person has developed feelings for their partner and are not sure about ending the relationship. The result, according to the Newport Institute, is that “Early in a relationship, those on the receiving end of pathological lying usually have a gut feeling that something isn’t right. Over time, being consistently lied to creates feelings of frustration, anger, hurt, and confusion.”
Aside from being hurt or angry when you discover that you’ve been lied to, you’re probably also wondering why? Why are you lying to me? The answer to that brings us back to the issue of an underlying mental health disorder. The Newport Institute identifies several reasons, including:
“Lying as a compulsion or habit.” While virtually everyone tells a little white lie once in a while, someone with obsessive compulsive disorder may begin to feel compelled to follow up a white lie with further lying. Gradually little lies become big lies.
“Personality disorders and pathological lying.” People with a narcissistic personality disorder, for example, lie for a number of reasons — from gaining sympathy to inflating their social status.
“Childhood trauma as a cause of pathological lying.” Childhood trauma can have devastating effects over the course of a lifetime. Pathological lying may be a coping mechanism for neglect or abuse.
The important point here is that the mental health disorders and underlying issues involved with pathological lying are anything but simple or clearcut. Encouraging someone you suspect of being a pathological liar to seek professional help is highly recommended. There is always hope for healing.