Any parent of a four- or five-year-old can probably tell you about the “never-ending loop of no return.”  That’s when a parent causally points out something to their child — those clouds are called ‘cumulus clouds’ — and gets the terrifying reply: “why?” No matter how simple or elaborate the follow-up question is, they can expect the same response: “why?”

The simple act of asking that question says a lot about a child. It shows they have no worries about betraying their ignorance but above all it reveals their innate curiosity about the world. As people mature they often become more guarded when asking questions and, unfortunately, also seem to lose a bit of their innocent curiosity. That’s unfortunate because asking questions is a fundamentally important part of learning and it may be even more important in terms of developing relationships: the best way to get to know a person is by asking questions.

There are many reasons for our tendency to ask fewer questions as we get older. Writing for Harvard Business Review, Tom Pohlmann and Neethi Mary Thomas offer an interesting insight. “Think back to your time growing up and in school,” they write. “Chances are you received the most recognition or reward when you got the correct answers. Later in life, that incentive continues. At work, we often reward those who answer questions, not those who ask them. Questioning conventional wisdom can even lead to being sidelined, isolated, or considered a threat.”

The benefit to asking questions at work or in school is that having more information helps you make better decisions. And the best way to gather more information is by asking questions — either posing questions to yourself or asking others.

There is another aspect to the process of questioning. The answers you receive to your question are based on the premises embedded in your question. In other words, you practically dictate the answer when you ask a particular question. Pohlmann and Thomas point out how this affects career-related decisions. “Many professionals don’t think about how different types of questions can lead to different outcomes,” they say. “You should steer a conversation by asking the right kinds of questions, based on the problem you’re trying to solve. In some cases, you’ll want to expand your view of the problem, rather than keeping it narrowly focused. In others, you may want to challenge basic assumptions or affirm your understanding in order to feel more confident in your conclusions.”

How can you break out of a set pattern of thinking? Pohlmann and Thomas turn to “decision sciences” company Mu Sigma for insights about the art and science of questioning. Mu Sigma has developed a grid to help guide people in the decision-making process. The grid divides the process into two views of the problem: wide or narrow. To investigate a wide view of the problem they suggest asking “adjoining” or “elevating” questions. To pursue a narrow path they recommend asking “clarifying” or “funneling” questions. Interestingly, both wide and narrow approaches share a common denominator: the “intent of the question.” Consequently, both adjoining (a wide view) and clarifying (a narrow view) have the same intention: confirm what you believe. Similarly, elevating (a wide view) and funneling (a narrow view) also share the same intention: discover something new.

Confirming What We Believe

Adjoining questions focus on a related aspect of a situation. Asking how a product or service would be received by a different age group than the target market, for example, might lead to interesting insights about the product or service. Simply put, adjoining questions broaden the conversation.

Clarifying questions are especially important in personal relationships. An effective technique in conversation is to restate what you’ve heard. “If I understand you correctly, you feel…” and then restate what you believe you’ve heard. This often helps a person then dig a little deeper — yes, that’s the way I feel, and I feel that way because… This may help by not only confirming what you know but also by understanding the why behind the feelings.

Discovering Something New

Elevating questions help you explore the big picture. They also help discover connections between related problems that we might not see when we’re focused on a single problem.

Funneling questions are specifically aimed at digging deeper into a situation, to challenge your own premises and take a step back and ask, are we confident that our beliefs are accurate?

All these types of questions have one more thing in common — they demand your time and attention. It takes creative energy and enthusiasm to ask the right questions. It also takes the curiosity of a four-year-old, but rekindling your curiosity can help you see the world — and your relationships — in a new light.