What’s the nicest thing anyone ever said to you when you were a kid? If you’re like most people, you’d probably reflect on a loving memory of a parent, or perhaps a teacher, praising you or simply saying I love you at a particularly impactful moment. The flip side is that most people can also probably remember something said to them that was hurtful — something they’ll never forget. The point in both cases is the same: words are incredibly powerful.

 This is a truism well known at the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC), a professional organization that helps its members promote high-quality learning for children. Among their many blog posts is one by Dr. Jessica Alvarado, where she offers some solace to parents who may be too tough on themselves for expressing a word or two in anger. “The truth is that no parent is perfect,” she writes, “and we all say things we don’t mean or wish we had said differently.” With that in mind, she lists seven practical tips to help parents not only speak with words of encouragement but also spark conversations that are truly meaningful.  

“Choose kind words.” There’s a bit of subtlety to this advice. The fact is that the same thought can be expressed in a variety of ways. Abundant research indicates that people (including adults) rarely remember exactly what someone said to them — but they usually distinctly remember how they felt. Whatever your message to a child — whether it’s instruction of correction — be positive and encouraging. In short, choose kind words.

“Be honest.” This is an excellent followup to using kind words. Telling the truth to an adult may involve hard truths, but you typically expect a level of maturity from a person that allows them to accept the message without taking it personally. Kids may not have that level of maturity. As Alvarado says, “It’s okay to tell a child that you feel sad about a situation or that you’re disappointed. But be cautious in how you say it: the focus should be on how you feel, not on what the child did.”

“Consider your child’s temperament, personality and current situation.” It’s always amazing to see how siblings raised by the same parents in the same household can vary so much in personality. Parents generally modify their parenting style slightly to suit each child’s temperament, which is good. But they also need to adjust their style to suit changing circumstances. Anything from a loss within the extended family to losing a friend who’s moved away may require a parent to be even more sensitive to how they deliver a message.

“Think about timing and environment.” Think before you speak is almost always good advice. It’s especially appropriate when you’re tempted to respond instantly to something your child is doing. But calling their name will usually stop the action. That gives you a moment to take a deep breath and collect your thoughts. If you’re home, the next step is to begin the conversation. But if you’re in a public place it’s probably better to move off to a private spot. Respect how your child might be embarrassed or self-conscious in public.     

“Be aware of your tone, volume and body language.” Kindness extends to all of these aspects of communication. Even kind words can be hurtful if they’re spoken too loudly or with a dismissive gesture.

“Allow your child to feel and speak.” Younger children need a little more time to process information and respond. This is simply a matter of natural brain development. Give them time to think and give them an example to follow. Alvarado offers a bit of advice: “Model for children by expressing how you feel. When developmentally appropriate, allow the child to feel empathetic. When a child has this time, it can be used as guidance for positive behavior.”

“Speak and act in love.” A child will listen and receive your message if you’re simultaneously letting them know you love them — whether that’s by speaking in a soothing tone while smiling at them or giving them a hug.

These simple tips are what most parents instinctively know — but it’s always good to have a reminder to help develop effective parenting habits.