People who have dated a variety of romantic partners probably recognize that relationships develop in a fairly predictable pattern. Typically, you meet someone whom you’re attracted to and start to get to know them, through informal or formal dating. If things are going well you can experience intense and enjoyable feelings of infatuation. Infatuation invariably turns into a more mature stage of really getting to know each other. Next comes a period of “adaptation,” where you settle into routines and begin sharing responsibilities. At this point you enter into a spoken or unspoken commitment. The final phase of a growing, healthy relationship is acceptance — of the full depth and breadth of your partner as a complete person.
What people may not realize is that the dissolution of a relationship often also follows a predictable pattern. Writing for HuffPost.com, Kelsey Borresen delves into the work of Becky Whetstone, author of I (Think) I Want Out. Whetstone has a long background studying the stages of a deteriorating relationship, having written her Ph.D. dissertation on the subject.
Whetstone builds on the work of sociologist Diane Vaughn, who proposed back in the 1980’s that crumbling relationships follow a predictable pattern. Interestingly, according to Whetstone, the stages are not readily apparent — they largely occur in the mind of the person who is dissatisfied and considering ending the relationship. These fall into the following five stages.
Disillusionment. This stage is marked by one partner simply admitting to themselves that they’re unhappy. In a well-established relationship, though, it’s easy to just say to yourself, Well, everyone goes through ups and downs. Things will be fine.
Erosion. If unhappiness with the relationship persists, it becomes obvious that things will not be fine. Thoughts of ending the relationship begin to be acknowledged. But any number of things, from financial concerns to dedication to kids, can prevent a person from taking action.
Detachment. Living with a person that you’re unhappy with is enormously difficult. Pulling away from a partner emotionally is one way to cope with that difficulty. At this point the problem may become apparent to family or friends, with one or both partners making disparaging comments that other pick up on.
“The Straw.” Unfortunately, that disparaging comment — or another action born of unhappiness — can be the final unforgivable act. Now there’s no going back. Even if divorce is not imminent, the state of the relationship cannot be disguised or hidden.
Death Of The Marriage. Whetstone identifies this stage and describes it in two ways. Either the couple simply ends the relationship completely, or they redefine the relationship. There’s no going back to the way things were, and both agree to recreate a relationship that works.
Recreating a relationship after “the straw” is not often done. There is just too much animosity to forget. The key to saving a relationship, according to Whetstone, is to take action shortly after a person has finally admitted that they’re unhappy. Counseling is highly advisable if the relationship has begun eroding.
A common misconception, though, is that seemingly minor unhappiness or a slowly eroding relationship are not serious enough to seek counseling. Nothing could be further from the truth. That’s exactly the time when counseling can be most effective because less emotional damage has been done.