Getting to know another person can be tricky business. That’s especially true with young people who are just beginning to date. However, as many a person in a long-term relationship will attest, it can also be a challenge even in a mature relationship. One of the keys to continually getting to know your partner better is asking the right questions. Fortunately, asking the right questions is also an opportunity to deepen the relationship because it can show your partner that you truly care about them.

Mark Travers, Ph.D., writing for Psychology Today, focuses on a subject that has the potential to dramatically enhance the intimacy of a relationship: the other person’s needs. “To truly support your partner in ways that resonate with them, it’s essential to engage in open, honest conversations about their needs,” Travers says. “Asking the right questions can provide insight into how to best be there for them.”

What are a couple of questions that show you care about your partner and also present the opportunity to see your partner in a new light? Travers suggests two that may get you going in the right direction.

“How Can I Support You In Challenging Times?” Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows that challenging times are inevitable. That’s life. It may involve the relationship itself, but more likely the difficulty may arise from external circumstances. The range of life challenges is endless: loss of a job, death of a friend, illness, financial woes — unfortunately, the list goes on. One thing that can help during any of these crises is having a trusted friend or, even better, a supportive partner. There’s one crucial aspect of support, though, that deserves attention: “Support looks different for everyone,” Travers writes. “Some people need a listening ear, while others prefer practical help or space to process their emotions independently.” Hence, the value of the question: How can I support you? Phrasing the question this way is invaluable. It shows you want to help but does not presuppose you know exactly what to do. You’re not preemptively solving the problem — you are, in a way, asking for advice.

Research has shown that a person can offer tremendous support to a person as they grieve simply by listening. The same can be said of anyone who confronts a different but equally intense situation — they may just need someone to listen to them, whether they are emotionally venting or intellectually considering different solutions.

Finding out what your partner needs as they confront a particular challenge does not mean that’s what they will always need in every circumstance. As Travers says: “It’s also important to revisit this question periodically, as their needs may evolve over time. Different challenges may require different kinds of support, and checking in ensures that your approach remains attuned to their present situation.”

“How Can I Support You In Achieving Your Goals And Dreams?” This is a particularly valuable question because it keeps you in touch with your partner’s deepest desires. People change and their dreams evolve as well. Their ultimate goal may not change, but they may develop a different idea of how to achieve their goal — a different path to the same destination. An added benefit to asking this question and the conversation that follows is that it keeps you in touch with your partner’s personal development. It helps you see your partner with fresh eyes and appreciate them anew.

If you simply ask about your partner’s goals, though, you’re missing an opportunity to deepen your relationship. There’s another easy and valuable way to follow up. Travers points out that “It is also essential to celebrate your partner’s progress along the way. A 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests that when an individual positively responds to their partner’s personal milestones, achievements, and good news, displaying genuine interest, enthusiasm, and an ability to share in their joy, it enhances relationship quality.”

There’s an art to asking the right questions, but the payoff for getting it right is invaluable. Keep questioning — and keep your relationship flourishing!