If you are lucky enough to have had grandparents or parents who had a loving, stable long-term marriage, do you ever wish you had taken the time to have more (or any) serious conversations about their relationship? It is the rare young person — especially in the enlightened West — who turns to an older person for words of wisdom. Undoubtedly, some of their advice would probably hold up. But what about the pressure of modern times? The pressure of situations that no one a century ago could have imagined.

Writing for Forbes.com, Mark Travers, Ph.D. stresses one factor that is critical for nurturing a long-term relationship: Boundaries. “Boundaries are essential safeguards for partners, ensuring their love is unconditionally protected in the face of obstacles. Acknowledging the need for boundaries empowers couples to take an active and committed approach to nourishing their relationship.”  But if you had asked dear ol’ grandma (or some equally revered relative) which boundaries she observed during a lifelong marriage, you probably wouldn’t have gotten an answer that included one of Travers key boundaries: Avoiding excessive screen time. This just shows that fundamental rules of human nature do not change but must be adapted to a changing world. With that in mind, let’s look at the three boundaries that Travers advises couples to consider.

“Boundaries For Screen Time.” Aside from TV screens, which have been around for many decades, the emerging definition of “screen time” includes the ubiquitous hand-held smart phone. In the last 10 or 15 years research has been building that smart phones can create barriers to communication. That, in a word, is bad. Travers elaborates on the problem: “The scenario of both partners being engrossed in their respective digital worlds while sharing the same physical space can result in a profound sense of disconnection. The intimacy of such shared moments can be overshadowed by the distraction of smartphones, preventing any genuine engagement and interaction. The consequences of this disconnection can be detrimental to the quality of their relationship. Partners may feel neglected, unimportant or unappreciated when their significant other prioritizes screen time over engagement with them.”

The solution, somewhat paradoxically, is not to create a traditional “boundary,” but to smash barriers — the barrier created by artificial screens. The boundary is a space behind which you both place your smart phones — leaving you free to cultivate a deeper connection.

“Boundaries For Shared Responsibilities.” Although sharing responsibilities is a concept your grandparents probably embraced, their idea of who-does-what would almost undoubtedly differ from today’s couple’s understanding. Traditionally, household duties in particular were assigned along gender lines. For a variety of macro reasons — the population shift from farm to city, the increase in home ownership, the increase of women in the workforce outside the home and an evolving sense of equality between the sexes — this is changing. Many couples are trying to assign household duties equally, regardless of who has traditionally done what chore. Unfortunately, research is indicating we’re not doing a great job. A phenomenon known as “housework resignation” has arisen. Couples try to split duties in half, which doesn’t work well and one partner just gives up and takes on more work. The result is predictable, as Travers points out: “The ramifications of an unequal division of domestic labor apply beyond individual well-being to the broader health of the relationship. When one partner shoulders a disproportionate amount of household responsibilities, feelings of resentment, frustration and disconnect can arise. This imbalance undermines the sense of teamwork and support that is essential for a healthy relationship.”

Helpful boundaries, in this case, involve adhering to the roles you’ve mutually agreed upon. If one person is not performing their duty, the other does not cross the line to pick up the slack. At this point, honest communication is essential to maintain the health of the relationship.

“Boundaries For Self-Care.” Self-care may be a modern term for attending to the personal needs that leads to self-fulfillment, but it’s certainly a concept that our ancestors instinctively understood. They simply had different ways of taking care of themselves. In any case, self-care involves setting aside time for individual well-being as well as for the partnership. Travers describes the particulars of this process, saying, “Setting boundaries around self-care may involve scheduling dedicated time for alone time or pursuing hobbies, and respecting each other’s autonomy in how they choose to spend that time. Additionally, partners can support each other in prioritizing self-care by offering encouragement, understanding and assistance when needed.” 

You can benefit by creating boundaries for your relationship by establishing those required by today’s modern world, but that requires a commitment to do so — and honest communication about the nature of your boundaries.