By the time someone reaches an age where they’re ready for a long-term romantic relationship, they’ve probably developed a basic outlook on life. They’re inclined to be either more of an optimist or more of a pessimist. Experience and natural temperament mold a person’s character and influence their outlook. But there’s one thing even optimists and pessimists probably agree on: when they enter a marriage or committed long-term relationship, they undoubtedly believe it’s going to be a successful partnership. It would take a pretty die-hard pessimist to say, this is never going to work, right before they say “I do.”
After entering a relationship, people of all temperaments and outlooks also gradually (or maybe quickly) discover that ensuring a happy and enduring relationship takes work. Mark Travers, Ph.D., focuses on this fact of life. Writing for Forbes.com, he says, “A healthy marriage isn’t self-sustaining; it’s a reciprocal dynamic that requires intentional effort from both sides. If you want it, you and your spouse have to work for it together.” Following up with the simple facts of life, he also says that even if you’re both committed to working together to make your relationship successful, there are two certainties that you both need to accept.
“1. You Can’t Change Your Partner’s Needs.” Life in 2025 is stressful, to say the least. Everyone should have a way to de-stress — “practice self-care” is the contemporary term for minding your own mental health. But there’s no single way to practice self-care. While you may find 20 minutes of meditation a wonderful way to relax, your partner may enjoy an evening gaming with their friends. Unless a habit or means of unwinding is unhealthy or abusive, then the best advice is to give your partner some space or alone time.
Travers points to a study that backs up this approach. “According to research from the Journal of Marriage and Family, the prevailing notion that permanent companionship is the key to a happy marriage isn’t necessarily universal. Instead, the study suggests that individual leisure also plays a very important role in marital satisfaction. In other words, spending time doing things you enjoy alone as well as things you both enjoy can together result in a happier marriage.”
It’s your choice how to react to your partner’s behavior. If you choose to be bothered or upset, you’re only making yourself miserable (although that may also affect your partner’s well-being). Instead, choose to give them the gift of time alone — and perhaps focus your energy on your own self-care.
“2. Your Partner Isn’t A ‘Mind Reader.’” There’s a simple formula that is often amazingly accurate: failure to meet expectations leads to frustration leads to anger. The key is that one partner may not even realize what their partner expects of them — a lack of open and honest communication is the real root of the problem.
Pointing to research that confirms the validity of the formula above, Travers refers to another recent study. “Research from Marriage and Families suggests this to be one of the most prominent dysfunctional beliefs about marital satisfaction — that is, that a spouse should be able to read the other’s mind. These ‘mind-reading beliefs,’ as the researchers call them, are mythical; they assume a non-existent psychic connection between partners.
“In reality, marriage teaches us that if you need something, you have to communicate it. While some solvable problems are clear to the naked eye — like a leaky faucet or an empty fridge — others are invisible. This is why communication is the essence and lifeblood of a functional marriage.”
Although jokes and stereotypes abound about these two facts, there is an underlying degree of truth to both. Let your partner have their own time to enjoy a pastime or diversion — no matter how quirky or meaningless you may think it is. And speak honestly about what you expect from your partner. Your relationship will flourish in response.