There are many professionals who make a living commenting on and giving advice about a variety of subjects. In times of war, we turn to former military personnel for their unique perspective about events. In a less serious vein, we want to hear from broadcasters who are former sports professionals for their take on a person’s or team’s performance. This is perfectly understandable. We value the opinion of people who have both studied a topic and performed at a high level in that field.
That’s why it’s interesting to hear from psychologists and family counselors who are both professionally trained to deal with marital and family issues and who are themselves married or in another long-term relationship and who have kids. So, at this point, let’s meet Richard Schwartz and Jacqueline Olds. Both are psychiatrists, have authored several books on family relations, teach at Harvard University, have counseled individuals, couples and families for decades and have raised two children. One other thing: they’ve accomplished all of the above while being married to each other for nearly 50 years. They’re equivalent to Olympian gold-medalist figure skating partners commenting on the subtle dynamics of Ice Dance teamwork.
Because of their connection to Harvard University, Harvard Gazette staff writer Alvin Powell interviewed Schwartz and Olds and focused on a very specific topic: How to find the right balance between “togetherness” and separateness,” especially in regard to physical togetherness. Schwartz gives an overview of the issue, saying “Too much togetherness and you end up feeling stifled, a little claustrophobic, and you lose the sense of curiosity about the other person that really is essential to keeping vitality in a marriage.”
Having your alone time, then, or time with your own friends is typically a way to maintain the health of your relationship. But, again, it’s all about balance. “Too much separateness and people tend to drift apart, feel less vivid to each other, and drift into relationships with people that they’re spending more time with,” Schwartz says. “The right balance for a particular couple varies a huge amount.”
Married couples and others in a long-term relationship may actually live in separate homes, and the reasons for doing so vary. The demands of a job may necessitate separate abodes. Also, people who form a relationship later in life may not want to change their routine, including moving into the other person’s home. There’s a price to pay, though, for this arrangement. “What you lose in those separate living arrangements,” Schwartz says, “is the experience of physical closeness, the shared sensory experiences — touch, smell, warmth, the full presence of another person — and I do think that adds something to the sense of closeness. It’s a part of our biology of connection that digital technology just doesn’t give us.”
Olds addresses the importance of reconnecting after a couple has not seen one another for a long time. “When you’ve experienced a long absence and there’s a real chance for reconnection,” she says, “it ought to be a big deal. Each person, to some extent, should recognize how hard it has been being without the other person. So the visit time ought to be an opportunity for making a special occasion out of it.”
When the absence is extended real issues can arise, as most any member of the military and their spouse can attest. Olds offers her thoughts on this subject, saying “Another piece of advice is to not let too much time go without a reconnection. There’s something we call the ‘rustiness phenomenon.’ If you haven’t been with somebody for many weeks, you start feeling deep down in your unconscious, ‘Maybe I really never knew them at all. I can’t quite remember whether they like cream in their coffee, I can’t remember exactly whether they used to laugh at my jokes.’ You need to reconnect often enough so there’s a lively image in your mind’s eye.”
Military personnel on deployment don’t have a choice, but for any couple that spends a great deal of time apart for whatever reason the lesson is clear: Make a point of scheduling quality together time and openly expressing how grateful you are for that opportunity.