In a memorable scene from Disney’s 1942 film, Bambi, Friend Owl explains to the young deer what being “twitterpated” is all about: a feeling young lovers have that leaves them weak in the knees and in danger of losing their heads. As anyone who has been infatuated knows, this is a pretty good description of the effects of the dopamine rush that accompanies a date with someone who knocks you out.
As the weeks and months roll by, an infatuated person may continue to get that unmistakable rush of emotion whenever they’re with their partner and maybe even when they just think about them. So, that must mean this is the real thing, right? This is love… not infatuation.
Maybe yes, maybe no. Quite predictably, the subject has long gotten attention by serious researchers who are interested in the physiological, psychological and even spiritual aspects of infatuation. Writing for Psychology Today, Abigail Brenner, M.D. delves into the much-studied topic. The early days of a romance may be wonderful, she writes, “But time goes by and life happens. Eventually, infatuation evolves into something else. That something could be love, or it could just stay infatuation for a while before it finally fizzles out and dies.”
How can you tell what’s what? Brenner turns to research that shows romantic love progresses from lust to attraction to attachment. We’ve covered aspects of this topic before; specifically, we’ve written about what triggers your body to produce different hormones (see The Virtuous Cycle of Feel-Good Hormones).
Having a solid understanding of how our behavior relates to our production of hormones is important because specific hormones are related to each phase of a romantic relationship (lust, attraction and attachment). Brenner elaborates on the subject, saying “Lust has to do with sexual gratification and is governed by the sex hormones of testosterone and estrogen. Attraction, governed by dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, is tied to ‘reward’ behavior, which explains why the beginning of a love relationship is so exciting and all-consuming.”
Those are distinct from the hormones associated with feelings of attachment: oxytocin and vasopressin. Understanding how these last hormones come into play helps someone understand and determine if what they’re feeling is simply infatuation or part of a long-term loving relationship. Brenner has five insights that help explain the difference.
“Biology is a key factor.” We recently discussed how evolutionary biologists are researching how romantic love developed in humans over vast millennia (see Love: An Essential Part Of Our Being). Part of our biological impulse is to express our feelings of attraction to another person and be rewarded for our effort with intense and positive feelings. This stage, however, is destined not to last forever. Hence, the fleeting nature of infatuation. The point is, that’s to be expected. The next step is to begin thinking about the nature of your relationship as you go forward.
“Fantasy versus reality.” A striking aspect of infatuation is that it makes us see our “beloved” as perfect. Which is why we recognize the element of truth in the old saying, love is blind. As Brenner says, “Infatuation allows us to see what we want to see, what we want others to be rather than who they are. We imagine that something is there that we want/need but that’s only a projection of what we want and need, and not what’s there in reality. In infatuation attraction overrides everything. It’s the fairytale.” As time goes by, love makes itself known as a trusting relationship with a friend who also happens to be a romantic partner.
“Superficial versus deep.” Infatuation is associated with being attracted to someone physically. That’s a good start. But there has to be a deeper connection if the relationship is meant to last. And, because we’re human, that also means accepting and loving every aspect of the other person. “Love accepts everything about the one we love including all their faults and flaws,” Brenner acknowledges. “Love knows that none of us is perfect, that we are all works in progress. Love supports, encourages, and nurtures the one we love.”
“Obsession versus ‘let it be.’” There can be a dark side to infatuation. Because someone who is infatuated often thinks about the other person incessantly, that can morph into a desire to want to know what the other person is doing at every moment and, even more ominously, want to control what they’re doing. Infatuation needs to subside in order for a healthier relationship to unfold. A truly loving relationship allows for both people to be who they are with the full support of their partner.
“’Addicted’ to love versus finding peace in love.” This takes us full circle back to in the exciting feelings associated with the hormones released during the first stage of a relationship. If someone thinks that those “highs” are what true love is all about, then they are in a sense addicted to the infatuation associated with a new relationship. But maturity involves recognizing that the peace found in a healthy long-term relationship does not depend on the short-term excitement associated with infatuation.