Sometimes there comes a period in a long-term relationship where everything seems fine and there’s genuine peace in the household. But as they used to say in the movies, it’s quiet out there… too quiet. Is this just the calm before the storm? Or, on the contrary, maybe it’s time to count your blessings — maybe your relationship really is in a wonderful state of bliss. How can you tell?
Psychologists and counselors encounter this question on occasion (but not nearly as often as questions from people confronting challenges that leave no doubt about the state of the relationship). Consequently, there is actually a fair amount of commentary on the subject. For example, writing for Forbes.com, Mark Travers, Ph.D. offers three signs that indicate your partner may love and care for you much more than you realize.
“Stopping You From Self-Sabotaging.” In psychology, self-sabotage refers to a pattern of behavior or thought processes where someone consciously or unconsciously undermines their own progress towards achieving goals, often stemming from negative self-beliefs, fear of success or a desire to maintain control. That can lead to actions that hinder their own success and well-being. Examples include procrastination, perfectionism and self-criticism.
If your partner is fairly insightful, they may recognize your self-sabotaging actions — even if they may not fully understand what motivates you. But the important thing is for them to speak their mind, virtually demanding that you stop hindering yourself. What you may perceive as criticism or negativity may actually be a selfless form of love — putting your well-being above personal considerations and helping you avoid a negative cycle of behavior. Take such criticism as a sign that you have a very strong foundation under your relationship and that your partner wants your relationship to grow.
As Travers points out, “A 2010 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that when partners are supportive and help each other grow, it leads to stronger relationships and more personal success. However, if a partner is unsupportive or critical, self-improvement can be harder and strain the relationship.”
“Proactively Planning And Acting On Your Future Together.” If your partner actively makes plans for the two of you for the future, it’s fairly self-evident that they are planning to stick around. Of course there are the predictable ups and downs of a relationship, but planning for the future indicates they keep things in perspective.
Planning, naturally, is only daydreaming if the next step isn’t taken. “It’s not just about making plans or promises,” Travers says, “it’s about taking real steps to make those plans happen. Whether it’s saving money for a future home, researching a dream trip or making changes to support your shared goals, these actions show that your partner is serious about your relationship. They’re willing to put in the effort to make your shared dreams a reality.
This level of dedication is a clear sign that your partner’s love for you runs deep and is focused on building a lasting, meaningful future together.”
“Self-Improvement For A Stronger Relationship.” Self-improvement requires change, and change isn’t easy. The first step is deciding how and why you need to change. During that process, if a person places a priority on how that change may affect their partner, then it reveals a desire not only to improve themselves personally but make the change for the betterment of the relationship. That is a difficult and highly commendable course of action — and one that bodes well for the long-term health of the relationship, especially if both partners recognize the dynamic at play.
So if your relationship is in a period of calm, step back and consider how your partner is acting and their motivation. There just may be strong indications that you’re loved far more than you realize.