One of the joys of being in a long-term romantic relationship is the process of slowly getting to know each better week by week, year by year. Ideally, deepening levels of intimacy are the result. An interesting corollary to the process is that as you get to know your partner’s deepest desires, hopes and fears, you also get to know what really ticks them off.
Romantic relationships being romantic relationships, there will be days (and maybe weeks) when things are not as rosy as they could be. That’s when one of you, being in a particularly nasty mood, might just use that knowledge of what gets under your partner’s skin to get a little dig in. Or maybe a not-so-little dig. Uh-oh – this is a moment to beware. The health of your relationship could be on the line.
This is a situation that psychologists often focus on because it’s a moment when the wrong reaction can leave deep scars. Writing for Forbes.com, psychologist Mark Travers describes the danger: “You might find yourselves pushing each other’s buttons, struggling to stay on the same team or overwhelming one another with intense emotions. These moments can feel like emotional minefields, where one wrong step could lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings or prolonged conflict.”
As with so many situations, though, there are things that you can control and things you can’t. You can’t control what your partners says or does. But you can control how you react. And that may be the key to either dealing the relationship a body blow or taking the opportunity to strengthen it. As Travers says, “The way you choose to handle these situations doesn’t just reflect your current emotional state — it shapes the future of your relationship.”
With so much at stake in these crucial moments, Travers offers three crucial steps you can take to control your response and thereby help guide the course of your relationship.
“Change The POV, Change The Feeling.” There is some debate about the subject, but most research points to the idea that thoughts typically come before feelings. You react to someone’s words or actions with a thought (which may be almost instantaneous) and that thought triggers an emotion. If your partner has said or done something that pushes a button, you might instantly think, “There he/she goes again — wow, does that ever make me mad!” And almost as instantly, anger arises. Travers suggests a different reaction: “Cognitive reappraisal is a powerful technique that involves consciously reframing your initial thoughts to alter your emotional response to a triggering situation. When you feel a surge of anger or frustration, take a moment to pinpoint the specific thought driving that emotion. Ask yourself: Is this thought grounded in reality or could it be an assumption?”
Forcing yourself to have a more rational reaction takes some serious self-control, but the result can be especially valuable. It might require taking a deep breath and consciously taking a few moments not to react. Try and see things from your partner’s perspective. Maybe they don’t realize how hurtful that is. If you can drop any defensiveness you’re feeling and calmly ask a question, then you’re on the way to deescalating the situation.
“Label Your Emotions.” Naming an emotion is a proven way to put some distance between your thoughts and emotions. That helps dial down the intensity of the emotion, which can help you think more clearly. If you let your partner know what you’re feeling it can also lead to a very important question: Why? Why are you feeling frustrated or angry?
Travers cites a recent study that explored the value of this process: “How we label emotions — whether our own (‘my fear’) or someone else’s (‘his fear’) — influences how we process emotional stimuli. Self-related labeling led to deeper emotional processing and higher arousal, while labeling another’s emotions improved emotional recognition. This shows how language and labeling shape our emotional experiences and responses.” The key is that communicating about your thoughts and emotions heightens your level of empathy, which can improve your relationship.
“Own Your Reactions While Standing Your Ground.” There’s a common phrase that might be relevant to this discussion: Justifiably angry. If your partner says or does something that triggers you, your anger be entirely justified. However — and it’s a big however — how you managed your anger is the key. Travers explains it this way: “After a triggering event, it’s essential to take responsibility for your emotional reactions, even if the situation was challenging. Owning your response doesn’t mean admitting fault or compromising your feelings. It’s more about recognizing how you handled your emotions.”
In other words, it’s okay to apologize for losing your temper and then add that you haven’t changed what you think about the situation. It’s a tough balancing act but if you can practice the steps above, then you improve the chances of turning conflicts into opportunities to deepen your relationship.