Individual Counseling Insights From Westlake Village-Based Patricia McTague-Loft 

A great conversation ranks high on the list of truly satisfying human interactions. Between romantic partners, a deep and warm conversation helps form the foundation of an intimate relationship. In business, a forthright conversation can build trust and confidence between colleagues. Among friends, conversations can involve memories of cherished times together and cement a friendship for a lifetime. That’s why so many friends retain a strong bond even if they haven’t seen each other in years.

Yet, people often give little thought to what exactly a great conversation is. When pressed, though, a person knows what it’s not. After an argument, virtually no one says, well that was nice.  So, what makes for a great conversation? Do some people simply have the ability to talk openly with another, and others don’t? Writing for Psychology Today, a quartet of writers take a deep dive into the art and science of great conversations, and their insights reveal that almost everyone has a sense of how to interact with another through the power of speech — and that there are ways to consciously improve the quality of your conversations.

The Heart of Conversation. Valerie Fridland, Ph.D. first delves into the necessary prerequisite for a great conversation. “Conversation rests on, first and foremost, an agreement to cooperate. People implicitly consent to work together to be mutually understood.” Beyond that unstated agreement, two other factors define the nature of a good conversation: relevance and quality. That stands to reason. To exaggerate the point, if your partner says that she’s feeling a little depressed about work, responding that you’re happy your ball club won last night is not only totally irrelevant — it’s borderline crazy. Few people make such overtly irrelevant remarks, of course, but the issue that responding in the most relevant way possible helps create meaningful conversation — quality conversation.

There is another nuance of irrelevance, though, that we almost instinctively practice. As an example, Fridland says, “If you ask me out on a date and I say I have to wash my hair, you interpret my response as relevant to what you asked and deduce a softened no.” Which means that a slightly irrelevant reply can still effectively and gently communicate a message.

Why Don’t We Have More Great Conversations? If good conversations are deeply satisfying and constructive, then why don’t we strive to have more of them? That’s a question that everyone in a romantic relationship, everyone with dear friends and everyone in business should ask themselves. Mark Travers, Ph.D. suggests a simple answer. “Rewarding as conversations can be, they are unknowable in advance. That unpredictability contains enormous possibility, but it also can give rise to anxiety, providing opportunity for misconceptions about conversation to flourish.” These misperceptions include a suspicion that you might run out of things to say, an underestimation of how valuable a conversation might be and the odd belief that you’ll be liked more if you speak less. In regard to this last point, research indicates the exact opposite. Travers says that “Researchers at Harvard and the University of Virginia found that those who speak more are viewed as more endearing than those who speak less.”

How To Have a Great Conversation. Fortunately, there are some ways to enhance the quality of your conversations that are quite easy to do. First, says Frank T. McAndrew, Ph.D., embrace the opportunity to engage in a bit of small talk. Some people think they might not be good at small talk, or think of it as a waste of time. But it’s more appropriate to think of small talk as a steppingstone to big talk. It helps you establish a rapport with someone, which helps open the door to more meaningful subjects.

Even in small talk, and especially in big talk, there’s one fundamental rule to follow in order to have a great conversation: pay attention. “We spend more time looking at our partner while listening than while speaking,” says McAndrew. “It’s not just a way of signaling attention; it allows us to give feedback to the speaker — say, widening our eyes to signal surprise, interest, and agreement, encouraging the person to continue the interaction.”

Good conversations also have a rhythm, and that involves taking turns speaking. You might signal to your partner non-verbally that you’re ready to speak — anything from raising an index finger to simply fidgeting. If the speaker isn’t ready to stop talking, they might avert their gaze. When the speaker is ready to pass the baton, they offer several cues such as lowering their voice or speaking more slowly. Both speaker and listener do not need to be aware of these rules of conversation — but it’s nice to know about them.

Conversation No-No’s. Speaking of rules, Dave Smallen Ph.D. wraps up the PT discussion with six of them — bad habits to break if necessary.

• “Interrupting.” Very annoying.
• “Story-Topping.” Conversation isn’t a competition.
• “Bright-Siding.” A person in pain wants to feel validated.
• “Being Right.” You win arguments — you don’t win conversations.
• “Being All-Knowing.” There’s a reason know-it-all’s are disliked.
• “Advice-Giving.” Try a little empathy instead.