As a Gottman-trained therapist, I find articles dealing with the Gottman Institute of particular interest and value. I advanced through Gottman Method Couples Therapy training — Levels 1, 2 & 3 — and appreciate how the training provides research-based strategies and tools to help couples form a friendship system that becomes the foundation for intimacy, passion and good sex.
Gottman training includes learning skills and methods to empower partners to dialogue about their worst gridlocked issues by uncovering their underlying dreams, history and values. It also deals with a concept that Drs. John and Julie Gottman have developed that metaphorically refers to risk factors in a relationship: “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
In an article for Forbes.com, Mark Travers examines the Four Horsemen, but more importantly focuses on attitudes and behaviors that can help couples avoid or ameliorate the risks. The four behaviors (the Horsemen) are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. If anyone habitually behaves with any of these four attitudes, the risk of divorce increases, and if all four horsemen infect a relationship the risk of divorce is strikingly high. Travers highlights four ways that couples can combat the ill effects of negative behavior.
“Expression Cures Criticism.” It is the rare person indeed that is never mildly or even acutely annoyed by their partner’s actions. Anything from habitually leaving a mess around the house to lapsing into non-communicative moods can be a true irritant. But how you respond to your partner’s irksome behavior is the key. Criticizing your partner’s actions is the first and most common of the four horsemen. What’s the alternative? “The antidote for this horseman is simple: expressing,” writes Travers. “When your partner makes a mistake — like forgetting a chore or hurting your feelings — rather than opting immediately for a critique along the lines of ‘You always do this,’ or ‘You never do that,’ shift your focus instead to your feelings. Rather than placing blame, try instead to express your needs.”
Expressing needs and feelings does not have to be some elaborate soul-searching analysis. It can be as simple as, I’ve had a really hectic day and I could really use some help here. Unless your partner completely disregards your well-being (which may be the case but is a much more serious issue), then the likely response will be something like, Of course, let me help.
“Accountability Dismantles Defensiveness.” Defensiveness follows criticism as surely as night follows day. That is, if you criticize your partner you can expect a defensive reaction, which is why criticism rarely leads to a positive outcome. This reaction is predictable because the criticism is often grounded in reality. One person really did carelessly forget a chore, for example. But it takes a big person to graciously react to heated criticism — it’s more likely to elicit a defensive reaction. That’s why expressing a need instead of criticizing can have positive results. As Travers explains, “If our partner comes to us with a positive need — an area where we could be doing a better job — the best response is to acknowledge it rather than making rebuttals. Even if the problem seems small in your eyes, taking responsibility for that one small thing will smooth the issue over far quicker than a counter-criticism or whataboutism.”
“Respect Counters Contempt.” Criticism and defensiveness are minor issues compared to contempt — they’re more a sign of human frailty than a serious relationship issue. On the other hand, a person being sarcastic or outright demeaning to their partner is a truly bad sign. In fact, according to the Gottmans’ research, it is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Travers acknowledges its seriousness when he writes, “If you feel a contemptuous outburst brewing, take a moment to breathe and consider what you’re feeling. Then, similar to the antidote for criticism, formulate an ‘I statement,’ and do your best to express your needs respectfully. This can be a great starting point; however, if contempt is omnipresent in your relationship, you may need to do a deeper exploration of its root causes.”
“Self-Soothing Stops Stonewalling.” In an earlier time “stonewalling” might have been described as the silent treatment. But going dead silent in response even to criticism is not healthy for the relationship. Here again, communication — or expression of your feelings — is a good starting point. Travers summarizes a self-soothing reaction by saying, “Express how overwhelmed you’re feeling, and that you need a moment to collect yourself; otherwise, you might say something you regret, or leave your partner in the dark. Something as simple as, ‘I’m having a hard time right now. I need a moment to myself, and we can talk about it when I’m composed’ will convey to your partner that you’ve heard them, but that you’re at capacity.”
Read more about the Gottman Method of therapy here, and feel free to contact me with questions.