If there’s one thing that most people seem to have in common these days, it’s a sense that life is just incredibly busy. We’re busy with work, kids, daily chores and errands. If you’ll also note, one thing not mentioned in this list is our spouse or partner. Sometimes we do exactly that: we forget to pay attention to our most important relationship because life is just too darn busy.
That, however, is often how issues arise. The answer is to keep our loved one top of mind. Writing for Psychology Today, Mark Travers, Ph.D. nicely makes the point. “Romantic relationships,” he writes, “akin to all other connections we cultivate, demand our time, effort and undivided attention.” The good news is that a healthy relationship does not require an enormous amount of attention to stay healthy. It does, however, demand intentional care. As Travers suggests, “If you do not have the time to sit and talk about your relationship with your partner, consider scheduling monthly relationship check-ins. Check-ins involve sitting down with your partner, creating a safe space and asking each other crucial questions that can improve your relationship.”
He offers three examples of important questions that can trigger invaluable conversations.
“Did you feel supported and appreciated in the past month?” There are all sorts of important elements that form the foundation of a successful long-term relationship. Shared values. Compatibility. A similar sense of humor. But one thing stands apart from your basic nature, and that’s a willingness and desire to support them. Knowing your partner is pulling for you engenders positive, loving feelings. Citing a recent study that appeared in Current Opinion in Psychology, Travers says “that feeling understood and appreciated by a romantic partner can promote positive cycles within the relationship and boost connection. Appreciation further helps in buffering against negative experiences.”
“Are there any challenges or conflicts we haven’t fully resolved?” Unfortunately, it’s often easier to ignore a problem than confront it. The drawback to simply living with an issue instead of resolving it is that negative feelings can fester and grow to outsize proportions. Simply asking your partner in a straightforward manner about any lingering issue can head off problems. What’s more, discussing issues before anger arises can help keep emotions in check. As Travers points out, “Remaining in control of the situation and giving yourself time to collect your thoughts can lead to healthy discussions about unresolved conflicts. You can tune up your relationship by harnessing the power of check-ins to work through pent-up emotions.”
“Is there anything you’d like more or less of in our relationship?” Although many people think conversations about their relationship will inevitably dwell on problems, the opposite approach can be surprisingly valuable. Asking about what you have done or said that your partner liked is a great way to focus on the positive. Again citing recent research, this time from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Travers points out that “reminiscence of positive memories results in higher relationship quality and optimism about the relationship. A monthly check-in to recall and share positive romantic experiences can work like magic and strengthen your relationship.”
Devoting time for a weekly or even monthly “check-up” can be an invaluable way to keep your relationship vibrant. The key is to enter these conversations being honest and empathetic. You’ll find that the reward is worth the effort.