Marriage Counseling Insights brought to you by California Psychotherapeutic Resources, Inc.

Is it okay or even good if couples sometimes fight a bit? Before you answer that, consider a couple of key points. First, every couple is going to fight once in a while. That’s just reality. So if your goal is to never fight, you might be setting yourself up for an unrealistic outcome. If that’s true, then your next thought might be — okay, if we’re destined to fight occasionally, that’s okay and maybe even healthy. But the real problem is that you might end up fighting the same battle over and over again.

Which means, maybe that’s the wrong question to ask. That’s exactly what Esther Perel says in this video where she examines the causes of bickering or fighting, and more important, the proper response to a fight. “The question is not so much the fighting, the question is really the repair.”

She goes to say that, “When people fight about the same stuff, what they’re fighting about is not the towel, or the bathroom, or who takes care of what, or who takes the children every day, or who is always late.” Those are merely the outward triggers that set one or the other off. “What they are fighting about are actually three key groups of things that are underneath those plot lines, which are — power and control, closeness and care, and respect and recognition.”

Watch Esther as she reveals tremendous insights about why couples fight and how to end a fight amicably.