OK, how about this for a pleasant little exercise: Remember a couple of the peak experiences of your life. Maybe it was skiing in the French Alps. Or your honeymoon in Fiji. Now imagine the peak experiences you enjoy on a more regular basis. Dinner at your favorite restaurant. An invigorating hike in the local mountains. Do you know what all of these have in common? You probably planned to have them. Whether it’s booking a flight, making a reservation or simply carving out time for something by putting it on your calendar, scheduling time for your favorite activity is what we typically do.

Why, then, does the idea of scheduling sexual activity make so many people cringe? The usual answer is — because sex should be spontaneous! But why? Why should sex be spontaneous?

Writing for Women’s Health, Lydia Wang points out just how widespread this belief is. She points out that there’s a “prevailing misconception that scheduled sex is boring, or at least, lackluster: A majority of people believe that spontaneous sex is more satisfying than sex that’s planned, according to one 2023 study of over 300 people.”

However, and this is a big qualifier: “That same study found no correlation between couples’ perceptions of spontaneous or planned sex and actual sexual satisfaction.” In other words, prevailing beliefs about the quality of planned sex seem to be wrong.

If you can get beyond the idea that scheduling sex is a downer, then the next question might be — what’s the upside? The first perk should be obvious. As Wang writes, “One of the most obvious benefits of scheduling sex? It helps you have it, especially if you and/or your partner are trying to balance your romantic relationship with an unpredictable work schedule, kids, your own social lives, or any other time commitments.” It seems almost everyone complains about being too busy. Unfortunately, that often makes a healthy sex life the first casualty of having too much on your plate. Prioritizing your sex life by scheduling it is a good first step toward dealing with your overloaded schedule.

Don’t underestimate the importance of simply having sex. Countless studies emphasize the remarkable benefits of a healthy sex life. Wang agrees with this simple statement by emphasizing, “Sex can give you a mood and energy boost, improve your sleep, and also help you feel connected to your partner.” That connection is an integral part, even the foundation, of intimacy.

Physiologically, your brain is agnostic about these benefits. Over time, your body produces less of the hormones that prompt sexual desire. It’s up to you to override that natural tendency and take control of your behavior. That may involve the use of a calendar.

To get back to that point about the correlation between sexual satisfaction and planned versus unplanned activity: Think about all those other peak — and planned — experiences you enjoy. Don’t you get quite a bit of pleasure anticipating them?

There’s another more nuanced benefit to scheduled sex. If your sex life is a casualty of your busy lifestyle, then getting back in the saddle, so to speak, can inspire an anxiety of its own. Keeping a regular schedule of activity can help you stay in shape — kind of like maintaining your regular schedule of exercise.

It takes two to agree on a schedule, naturally, so the first step in creating a plan is to communicate with your partner about the idea. This can have positive side effects because it demands honest communication, which is virtually always a good thing. Wang describes some of these, saying, “This might mean recognizing that you’ve both been too tired to prioritize sex since having kids; or maybe, one of you has been going through a busy time at work, so your sexual relationship has fallen to the wayside. Maybe, it’s even just an acknowledgement that you’ve had an awkward or difficult time discussing sex in the past. Whatever it is, naming and acknowledging the issue can defuse some tension and soften the conversation.”

After that, the plan can be as creative as you like. If you and your partner like the idea in general but think consummating sex may be too much pressure, maybe schedule time for physical intimacy, hugging as a start, and be open to whatever happens next. The real point is to recognize the importance of a healthy sex life and work toward developing the relationship that is right for the two of you.