Everyone endures heartache and misfortune at some point in life. Some heartaches, unfortunately, are worse than others. Back in the 1960s, that simple observation led psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richar Rahe to begin studying the correlation between stressful events and illness, which in turn led to the development of the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale.

For anyone who has suffered a traumatic life event, it will probably come as no surprise that the Scale lists death of a spouse as the most stressful life event. Number two? Also no surprise: divorce. As stressful as a divorce is for the two partners involved, though, the effects don’t end there. If the couple has children, their kids also have to deal with the trauma. That leads to a follow-up question: Do kids deal with the divorce differently based on their age?

Writing for Parents.com, Laura Broadwell says, “Divorce is a big change for a child. Upon learning about the divorce, many children feel sad, angry, or anxious. Some are supportive or even relieved by the news, but may still be uncertain about how their lives or schedules will change.

“While there’s no telling how any one child will feel about a divorce, their reaction may be influenced by their age.” With that in mind, Broadwell goes on examine how kids of different ages comprehend divorce and offers advice for parents to help their kids handle the major change they are going through.

Babies (birth to 18 months). Even though babies cannot understand language, they are remarkably adept at understanding the tone and intonation of speech. That’s why it’s so important for parents not to argue in front of any child, including babies. If a baby picks up tension expressed verbally in an argument, they may react with emotional outbursts or simply be irritable for no apparent reason.

What can you do help ensure the effects of divorce are kept to a minimum? Broadwell offers three tips:

• “Create an emotionally safe environment.” In essence, this means making sure any verbal interaction is calm and controlled.
• “Keep regular routines and schedules if baby splits homes.” Although it’s best for a child to have only one home, this is often not the case. The next best thing is to have a predictable schedule, with the same nap time, bedtime and so on.
• “Offer plenty of physical comfort.” Along with offering plenty of hugs, parents should make sure the baby keeps their favorite blanket or toy with them.

Toddlers (18 months to three years old). Although toddlers may socialize with other kids, their main bond at this age is with their parents. That’s why a break in the bond of the parents themselves can disrupt a toddler’s sense of normalcy, leading to anything from a regression in toilet training to more than usual crying. Tips to help, Broadwell says, include:

• “Prioritizing their child’s routines.” In this sense, toddlers are like babies: they thrive on regular schedules and routines.
• “Giving toddlers extra attention.” No, you’re not spoiling them. They need some extra care to make this major adjustment in their lives.
• “Keeping your emotions in check in front of your toddler.” There’s a kind of doom loop that it’s important to avoid. Because you are going through a stressful event, you may react a bit more emotionally when anything is piled on your already stressful day. If that one more thing is an outburst by your child, you may overreact. Don’t. Overreacting can lead to a child withdrawing emotionally.

Preschoolers (three to six years old). At this age kids are old enough to understand that their parents are unhappy with each other but not old enough to understand the concept of divorce — the ability to imagine that one of them will be moving out. Because of their uncertainty they may not even try to express their thoughts or emotions. With this in mind, Broadwell suggests:

• “Handling the divorce openly and positively.” This is important because kids often take their behavioral cues from you.
• “Introducing age-appropriate books about divorce.” Sad to say, divorce is so common that many books are written about the subject. Do an online search and pick titles that have earned many positive reviews.
• “Setting up a regular visitation schedule and adhering to it.” As with toddlers, preschoolers need the regularity of the schedules maintained.

School-Age Children (Six to 11 years old). At this stage other more complicated emotions and fears may arise, including a sense of abandonment. As Broadwell points out, “Younger elementary schoolers aren’t likely to understand the complex reasons why two grown-ups don’t want to be married anymore and feel as if their parents are divorcing them.” Without care and understanding, their complex feelings may manifest in anything from fighting at school or falling into depression. Tips for this age include:

• “Rebuilding their sense of security.” Kids at this age are able to understand a complex situation if you explain it clearly and use vocabulary they can understand. This is why a couple of key messages need to expressed verbally: I won’t leave you and the divorce is not your fault.
• “Maintaining a regular visitation schedule.” Kids continue to thrive with regular, predictable schedules. This is even more important in times of upheaval.
• “Helping your child get (or stay) involved with activities they enjoy.” As your child needs to know and understand, life goes on. The best way to move on is to find things that things they enjoy doing and friends they like.