Individual Counseling Insights From Westlake Village-Based Patricia McTague-Loft

When most people enter a conversation, they typically talk about something that’s appropriate to the nature of the relationship. You make small talk with strangers or acquaintances, catch up on news or talk about shared interests with friends and perhaps have an intimate conversation with loved ones. In your professional life, the conversation is often strictly business. Whatever the nature of the conversation, though, if you’re simply sharing information then you’re missing an opportunity to have a much more worthwhile outcome. Specifically, beyond sharing information you have the chance to ask questions.

Asking questions and framing your own answers to another’s questions properly are extremely useful ways to have more productive and — if appropriate, deeper — conversations. Fortunately, asking questions is a skill that you can learn and improve upon. Writing for the Harvard Business Review, Leslie K. John and Alison Wood Brooks, professor and associate professor, respectively, at the Harvard Business School, say, “The good news is that by asking questions, we naturally improve our emotional intelligence, which in turn makes us better questioners — a virtuous cycle.” Not surprisingly, the authors were drawn to the subject after they noticed a simple fact: “People don’t ask enough questions. In fact, among the most common complaints people make after having a conversation, such as an interview, a first date, or a work meeting, is ‘I wish [s/he] had asked me more questions’ and ‘I can’t believe [s/he] didn’t ask me any questions.’ ”

There are many reasons people don’t ask questions, ranging from a desire to share their own thoughts to a fear of asking a “dumb” question. But the fact is that almost everyone would make a point of asking more questions if they knew just how valuable that is. Aside from learning more about the other person, asking questions has been shown to improve interpersonal bonding.

Learning to benefit from questioning involves more than simply asking more questions. As John and Brooks say, “The sheer number of questions is not the only factor that influences the quality of a conversation: The type, tone, sequence, and framing also matter.”  In short, asking the wrong type of question, or asking a “deeper” type of question too soon in a conversation, or asking with the wrong tone of voice, can be counterproductive. In their research, John and Brooks found that “Sometimes the question asker learns a lot about her partner, the answerer feel heard, and both come away feeling profoundly closer. Other times, one of the participants may feel uncomfortable in his role or unsure about how much to share, and the conversation can feel like an interrogation.”

As with questions that are appropriate to the nature of your relationship, having the appropriate goal for a conversation also matters. John and Brooks break down goals into two categories of conversations: Competitive and Cooperative. They then identify a challenge inherent in each type and offer tactics to cope with each challenge. What’s more, they offer varying tactics based on whether you’re asking or answering the question.

There are also a variety of additional tactics that you can use to improve your ability to use questions effectively. John and Brooks offer the following:

• “Favor follow-up questions.” This is very valuable because it shows you’re listening.
• “Know when to keep questions open-ended.” Closed-ended — yes or no — questions can seem like an interrogation. Open-ended questions invite a person to share their thoughts.
• “Get the sequence right.” This depends on the nature of the conversation. In business asking the tough question first can be appropriate. With friends the opposite may be better — start with softballs and build from there.
• “Use the right tone.” Keep it casual. Having a formal tone can make someone suspicious of intent.
• “Pay attention to group dynamics.” Unsurprisingly, one-on-one conversations are far different than group conversations. A person might be quite willing to share sensitive information with just you but not with a group. What’s more, in a group conversation people often follow the lead of the person who speaks first.

Questioning is a fascinating art. For a deep dive into the subject see John and Brooks’ article here.