Marriage Counseling Insights From Westlake Village-Based Patricia McTague-Loft

There may not be any research to back up this statement, but it’s a pretty fair guess that most people do not get married with the intention of getting divorced. Why, then, does the divorce rate in America remain stubbornly high? Currently, about 42 percent of all marriages end in divorce, according to the Centers for Disease Prevention and Control (CDC). For a young person about to propose marriage to their partner, or a person of any age for that matter, that statistic ought to be an impetus for a little self-reflection, even if they’re head over heels in love.

One problem may be that people generally don’t fully understand that there are red lines, so to speak, in marriage, just as there are with relationships in so many areas. Red lines in marriage are those actions that, if taken, highly increase the odds of divorce. Fortunately, there is abundant research on marital red lines. Writing for Forbes.com, Mark Travers, Ph.D., cites a classic study from 1997 published in the Journal of Marriage and Family that identifies six red lines that everyone entering marriage or already married should be aware of.

Cheating/Infidelity. No surprise here. While there may be many different causes for a person to cheat on their partner, the result is predictably consistent: broken trust. Because trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, it is extremely difficult to rebuild that foundation once it is broken. Lending even more nuance and complexity to the issue, infidelity does not have to be merely physical — forming an intimate emotional bond with a person other than your partner is another form of infidelity.

Spending Money Foolishly. Homespun wisdom is full of sayings about money and sex being the leading causes of a troubled marriage, and there’s a lot to be said for this ancient insight. Wasting money (as seen by your partner) can not only put a stress on management of the family’s day-to-day budget, it can be a sign of disrespect. As Travers points out, “When one spouse consistently makes financial decisions without consulting the other or disregards agreed-upon budgets, it can lead to resentment, stress and ultimately, marital breakdown.” Fortunately, financial counseling for individuals or couples is available.

Drinking And/Or Drug Use. Substance abuse puts an incredible strain on a relationship. The sober partner may not know what to expect from their partner — in terms of everything from expected emotional support to a predictable response to a situation. Substance abuse calls out for professional help.

Jealousy. At its heart jealousy is typically an individual problem, often rooted in low self-esteem or an unresolved problem from childhood. Unfortunately, that individual problem entangles a person’s partner. “Over time,” writes Travers, “jealousy can suffocate intimacy and erode the emotional connection between partners, making reconciliation challenging without addressing its root causes.”

Moodiness. If one partner is constantly walking on eggshells because they don’t know how their partner is going to react to a comment or action, it’s a sign that the person’s unpredictable nature is creating severe tension. If that person is going through a challenging situation, then you can hope all will be well when that situation is resolved. Otherwise, there may be an underlying mental health condition that needs to be addressed.

Irritating Habits. Early in a relationship (when hormones are to an extent controlling perceptions), a seemingly minor or even endearing habit can be safely ignored. As the relationship matures things may change. “Whether it’s leaving dirty laundry around, constant lateness or persistent forgetfulness,” Travers points out, “these habits can wear down patience and goodwill between partners. What may start as mild annoyance can escalate into frequent arguments or emotional distancing if left unaddressed.” The keys to a resolution are communication and negotiation, which often require couples counseling. An irritating habit pales in comparison to infidelity, but given enough time it can ruin a relationship. Counseling makes that anything but inevitable.