Marriage Counseling Insights From Westlake Village-Based Patricia McTague-Loft

When young (and even not-so-young) people begin dating, it’s often with someone they’ve met through a common interest. They might belong to the same tennis club, or get to know each other after a worship service or perhaps it’s even someone they met by chance at a museum. A shared interest is a powerful way to bond. As time goes by they may even be encouraged by any number of things they have in common — a love for Indian food, political views that align, a crazy sense of humor. Often, they then explain to friends and family they’ve found someone they’re compatible with.

But how important is this level of compatibility? Is it truly a good predictor of the long-term health of a romantic relationship? And what about those couples who are seemingly incompatible on the surface. Compatibility is a more complex and important subject than it might at first appear.

Writing for PsychologyToday.com, Mark Travers, Ph.D., cites a recent study that goes beyond surface compatibility to look at a deeper level. “The researchers suggest that personal values — our guiding principles in life — are the foundation where true compatibility lies,” Travers writes. “And, among these, one value stands out in particular: self-transcendence.”

Both religious and non-religious people may immediately relate to the findings of this study. Self-transcendence — marked by concerns for others — is at the core of many religious principles and celebrated by many non-religious social activists as well. With a bit of reflection on the connection between self-transcendence and satisfaction with your romantic relationship, it’s easy to see why it’s so important.

In the study Travers references, self-transcendence comprises two principles: Universalism and Benevolence. Universalism describes a belief system that values a concern for humanity and nature at large, and that encompasses a respect for other people’s individual beliefs. In a relationship this is especially valuable because it manifests as consideration for your partner’s viewpoint. Although you may not completely agree in every aspect with your partner, a universalist mind set encourages you to listen and understand where they’re coming from. Having a benevolent attitude requires a sense of humility and a desire to care for others. In a romantic relationship that may likely lead to people thinking of their partner before themselves.

The combination of these core values, which together form the basis of self-transcendence, leads to harmony. As Travers says, “Combined, self-transcendence values manifest in relationships as support, inclusion and deep empathy for one another. When both partners are committed to these values, they are more likely to view conflicts not as battles to be won but, rather, as opportunities to grow together — side by side.” Predictably enough, the flip side of this equation is also true. When one partner has the feeling their beliefs are not respected, or the relationship is not worth investing effort in, disharmony is the result.

Another aspect of self-transcendence is a similar two-sided coin. Self-enhancement is the opposite of self-transcendence. Self-enhancement may be seen as positive — ambition, for example, is a positive attribute if not all-consuming. The key is that partners need to have a roughly similar drive for self-enhancement.

 The importance of both partners having a similar desire for self-transcendence is apparent in everyday life. Travers describes a typical minor conflict in a relationship where one partner wants to spend the weekend together and the other wants to work on a personal project. If either or both do not aspire to self-transcendence, minor conflicts can build into a major problem. However, as Travers writes, “If both partners valued self-transcendence, they might approach the situation differently: One might compromise by finding their own personal project to work on alongside the other. Or the other might sacrifice a day of the weekend to spend with their partner and leave their project for the next day. Instead of seeing the issue as a matter of selfishness, they recognize the importance of one another’s values; they transcend their own point of view to take the other’s into account.”

Valuing your partner and valuing your relationship are inextricably linked, and acting in a spirit of self-transcendence to enhance both creates a virtuous cycle of behavior. That in turn leads to a relationship that becomes evermore healthy over time.