Anyone in a long-term romantic relationship has undoubtedly experienced some emotional ups and downs. We’re not just talking about the inevitable ups and downs of the relationship itself. Rather, we’re talking about events and circumstances involving others beyond the couple. It could be something as deeply personal and traumatizing as the severe illness of one of their children. Or it could be something more removed — anything from conflict with a member of the extended family to deep-seated dissatisfaction in one of the partner’s professional life.
When the problem involves the relationship itself, most people are probably aware that communication with one another is crucial at that point. But too often a person may not realize that turning to their partner for emotional support for dealing with other circumstances is also important. In fact, the willingness to turn to their partner for support when “life happens” is a sign that the relationship is solid and healthy.
Writing for PsychologyToday.com, Mark Travers, Ph.D., discusses recent research that delves into factors that are involved with marital strain. Although there are many negative factors that exacerbate the strain — such as a disinclination to communicate — there’s also some good news. “The findings,” Travers writes, “also suggest that two protective factors can safeguard against marital strain and create an emotionally resilient bond between partners: their emotional intimacy and empathy for one another. In emotionally fulfilling marriages, both partners experience deep emotional satisfaction, connection, and support.”
If you’re wondering about the health of your relationship, these two aspects of your relationship — emotional intimacy and empathy — are worth thinking about. If you’re satisfied with the level of you emotional intimacy and empathy with one another — wonderful, keep at it. But if you sense that there’s something missing in either regard, this can be a good area to work on to deepen your relationship.
Travers expands on each aspect in order to further identify its characteristics.
“You Prioritize Emotional Intimacy Despite Challenges.” Honestly sharing your thoughts and feelings is a virtual prerequisite early in a relationship as two people get to know each other. At this point there is probably little criticism of the other person as they open up with their deepest feelings – because criticism or ridicule at this point would probably end the relationship. But over time conflicts occur and some criticism may creep into the relationship. Rather than deal with the criticism, some people communicate less honestly or completely. That temptation can be even greater when the situation that needs to be resolved involves a problem outside the relationship itself. But failing to communicate at this point is a lost opportunity. And those who take the opportunity may find they are deepening their emotional intimacy.
As Travers points out, “In emotionally fulfilling marriages, partners continue to share feelings and fight the instinct to avoid or criticize their partner in the midst of a challenge, while taking the time to build or rebuild emotional intimacy, by focusing on shared experiences, common values, and the larger goal of preserving the relationship.”
“You Are Generous With Your Empathy.” Empathy is a mature feeling, and often difficult to express — more and fundamentally different than sympathy. When someone sympathizes with another person, they are feeling sorry for them or their circumstances — almost a feeling of pity. Yes, it shows that they care, but it does not foster any kind of connection. Empathizing with another is sharing in their emotion and communicating that you understand — which creates a true connection.
Partners who empathize with each other during times of crisis are taking advantage of a golden opportunity to enhance their relationship. Travers points out that there also two types of empathy:
“Cognitive empathy.” This is the foundational step toward offering deep empathy. It’s simply recognizing and expressing that you understand the situation. For example, if your partner has heard horrible news, you clearly state what you’re thinking: “You must be filled with dread hearing about the car accident.”
“Affective empathy.” Beyond identifying the problem, empathizing affectively involves sharing a related feeling: “I’m filled with anxiety knowing you’re feeling crushed while you wait to hear any details.”
Partners who genuinely relate to each other in response to outside events are helping themselves build a more fulfilling emotionally intimate relationship. Travers offers additional advice on accomplishing this: “To be truly empathetic, it is essential to avoid making assumptions about what your partner is feeling and instead approach conversations with a gentle curiosity. Empathetic and responsive partners practice active listening by fully concentrating, understanding, remembering, and responding to what is being said during a conversation. This goes beyond passively hearing words to actively engaging with one’s partner, ensuring that the message is accurately received and processed.”