Marriage Counseling Insights From Westlake Village-Based Patricia McTague-Loft

A lot of older people probably identify with the playwright George Bernard Shaw’s observation that youth is wasted on the young. The older you get the more you appreciate (and long for) the physical attributes you once had in aces: the ability to run fast, recover quickly from injuries, stay up half the night partying and feel fine in the morning… and the ability to have awesome sex.

Even though we’re biological creatures, your sex drive doesn’t simply vanish after you pass your optimum years of reproduction. Along with the natural urge to procreate, humans have sex for the simple pleasure of it. Of course, with humans, that also involves expressions of love and a desire to maintain and enhance the intimacy of their relationship. The good news is that an ability to have a wonderful sex life even later in life is not only possible but very likely.

The trick is to realize that good sex later in life may require some adjustments. Like an older athlete who needs to stretch and warm up more before competition, older couples may need to develop a pre-round routine to get the most out of their lovemaking. Harvard Medical School recognizes this reality in an article in Harvard Health Publishing: “The physical changes that your body goes through as you age often mean that the intensity of youthful sex may give way to more subdued responses during middle and later life. But those aren’t the only changes you go through with age; you also develop increased confidence, better communication skills, and lessened inhibitions. This newly gained emotional maturity can actually help create a richer, more nuanced, and ultimately satisfying sexual experience. You can realize the full potential of later-life sex by understanding the crucial physical and emotional elements that underlie satisfying sex.”

The Harvard article contains several nuggets of wisdom that older couples who are looking to enhance their sexual satisfaction can start practicing today (or tonight).

Give yourself time. Young people can go from zero to 60, so to speak, in a flash. Those days are gone, and that’s not all bad. Making love can be (and may have to be) a more leisurely activity. Take your time and enjoy the process! Realize that it may take more time to become aroused and reach an orgasm. That’s okay.

Use lubrication. While men may have their own unique sexual problems, women too may have theirs. Vaginal dryness in particular is common as it can begin in perimenopause. Fortunately, an easy solution can be found in lubricating liquids and gels. They may also fend off problems that may arise without the use of lubrication, including painful sex which can then develop into issues such as a waning libido. 

Maintain physical affection. Intimacy does not have to involve sexual intercourse. In fact, and somewhat ironically, simply enjoying physically touching one another without the expectation of sexual intercourse can then lead to intercourse. But the key is to simply enjoy kissing or cuddling for its own sake and let the chips fall where they may.

Try different positions. Variety is the spice of life, and it’s true in regard to sexual activity. Trying different positions simply makes lovemaking a bit of an adventure. There can also be physical advantages to something new. “For example,” says Harvard Health Publishing, “the increased stimulation to the G-spot that occurs when a man enters his partner from behind can help the woman reach orgasm.”

Use a vibrator. Women who have not used a vibrator may find something new about their own sexual responses. If a couple is comfortable enough with each other, the woman can then bring her partner in for an educational session. In other words, it can, according to Harvard Health Publishing, “allow her to show her partner what she likes.”

There may be all kinds of problems associated with aging, but completely losing the joy of sexual activity does not have to be one of them. Take the time to keep the passion alive in your relationship and you will be happier and healthier for the effort.

Looking for a few more tips? See the full Harvard article here.