As a certified Gottman Seven Principles Program Educator, I’ve found the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Program to be an effective way for couples to improve the health of their relationship. The Program provides research-based strategies and tools to help couples form a friendship system which becomes the foundation for intimacy, passion and good sex. The key to Gottman’s methods is not to simply learn about certain practices but to put what you learn into practive. This may start with something as simple as taking the Gottman Relationship Quiz.
Putting what you learn into action can also involve habits that you develop as a couple that are proven to strengthen your relationship. For example, consider Gottman’s recommendation for couples to have a weekly “State of the Union” conversation. As described at Gottman.com, this conversation “is a time to reflect on the relationship and share both things that are working well and things that need to be addressed.”
The State of the Union conversation gives you a chance to simply sit down without distraction (no cell phones allowed!) and have a relaxed but intimate conversation. The flow of the conversation has four parts.
“Give one another five appreciations.” As with most conversations it’s usually good to start off with something positive. It helps you both relax and get in a constructive state of mind. A helpful insight from Gottman is to say what a little gesture says about your partner’s personality. “I love how you always give me a kiss when I get home — it reminds me how loving you are.”
“Talk about what went right in the relationship.” Take the positive sentiments to the next level by focusing on a habit, for example, that you’ve both agreed to work on. “Isn’t it wonderful that we’ve made a walk together after dinner our routine?”
“Select an issue to talk about or process any regrettable incidents.” Now comes the nitty gritty. As Gottman points out, “At this point, take turns sharing any concerns you may have from the past week. Conflict is inevitable and necessary in any relationship. When handled constructively, it will leave you feeling more connected. For that to happen, you must work on attuning to one another.” What does that mean, exactly? “To attune to one another, you should take turns being Speaker and Listener. When it is your turn to share, it is your job as Speaker to express your feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing your partner.”
“What can I do next week to make you feel more loved?” Now it’s back to the positive but with a twist. It’s time to express your desire to improve your relationship and focus on the how. Both of you need to ask, What can I do better, or what new thing can I do, to make our relationship even healthier?
Practice a weekly State of the Union conversation and you’ll not only feel better about your relationship, you’ll also find that you’re short circuiting any build-up of resentment or dissatisfaction.