Life is full of occasions when we mean well but say something that really doesn’t do anyone any good. The examples of egregious things that someone will say to a person who is grieving the loss of a loved one are legion. “Don’t worry — he’s in a better place now.” (That may be true but it dismisses and invalidates a person’s suffering.)  “There’s a reason for everything.” (Really? And you’re to explain?) The list goes on.

But sometimes the case is not so clear cut, especially when it involves talking to a child. There are appropriate and not-so-appropriate things to say to a younger person, often based on the child’s personality. Kids who are introverts react quite differently to comments than kids who are extroverts. Sometimes, though, people make assumptions about a child’s personality based on fairly superficial assessments. It’s tricky because research has shown that common assumptions about people who are introverts or extroverts are not entirely accurate. Some people who are introverts are not quiet (shattering that stereotype) and not all people who are extroverts are outgoing (there goes another one).

Consequently, parents and other caregivers may think they’re offering helpful advice and encouragement, but in fact may be harming a child’s self-image. Writing for Huffpost.com, Jillian Wilson lists several things that an adult might say to a child who is introverted that actually does more harm than good, including:

“Speak up more” and “be more friendly.” The criticism implicit in these comments should be fairly obvious when you think about it. You’re identifying something they’re doing wrong — not speaking up or seeming to be unfriendly — and telling them to change. The possible negative effect, though, is a bit subtle. What your child may think you’re telling them is to try to please others rather than being comfortable with themselves.

“You’re being quiet, that’s so rude.” Here’s another one that’s pretty obvious. It directly equates a way that the child feels comfortable with something they should be ashamed of.

“Phrases that use ‘shy’ as a label.” Fortunately, people in general are becoming more aware of the negative consequences of labeling people based on a certain attribute. Consequently, we hear more people referring to others as a person experiencing homelessness, for example, rather a homeless person. First and foremost, that person is a person. Unfortunately, the perception of a child who is shy or introverted is not so widely recognized. People use a personality trait as a defining adjective, ignoring or being unaware of the probable associated traits — heightened powers of observation, for example.

“Comments that imply their introversion will hold them back.” In Western society, the popular kids are often the ones who are extroverted, the life of the party. It’s a stereotype perpetuated in popular culture, implying that popularity leads to success. The only problem is — it’s patently untrue. Corporations, sports teams, professional ranks — and, yes, families — are filled with successful people who are shy or introverted to one degree or another.

“Any statements that question why they are the way they are.” Here’s another example of implying that there’s something wrong with a child’s natural behavior. Questions like these often instill a sense of guilt or shame.

These statements are overt examples of ways that a parent or caregiver may unintentionally shame a child who is naturally shy, and most are probably careful to avoid such overt statements. But there are other more subtle expressions of favoritism that parents may unconsciously exhibit. Showing more interest in a child’s friend who is more extroverted, for example, suggests to both their child and their friends that extroversion is a favored personality trait. In this case, a little self-awareness and introspection goes a long way.