When it comes to developing a deep and stable long-term relationship, there is valuable wisdom in the age-old saying patience is a virtue. That’s because creating a healthy relationship is a process that defies shortcuts. Partners in a romantic relationship need to feel secure with one another and have the sense that the other is reliable. The opportunities that allow for building safety and reliability don’t come along every hour or even every day. Experiences take time to unfold. Then and only then, true security can open the door to trust and intimacy.
Carolyn Sharp explores this issue in an article for Psychology Today. She writes, “Many relationship hacks promote surface-level strategies that ignore deeper emotional needs. For example, saying ‘I hear you’ without actually hearing your partner is worse than saying nothing. It’s performative empathy, and most people — especially those in long-term relationships — can smell it a mile away. It ends up hurting the trust and intimacy needed in the vital relationship desired.”
It’s also a simple fact the experiences that provide the opportunity to truly connect often involve some conflict. As we discussed in a previous blog (How To Use Conflicts To Deepen Your Relationship), one of the joys of being in a long-term romantic relationship is the process of slowly getting to know each better week by week, year by year. An interesting corollary to the process is that as you get to know your partner’s deepest desires, hopes and fears, you also get to know what really ticks them off.
That’s right, it’s wonderful to share the highs you experience as a couple but there’s value in the lows you experience together as well. As Sharp writes, “Growth lives in the messy middle: the hard conversations, the misunderstandings we work through, the courage it takes to stay open when we want to shut down. There’s no hack for that. Just heart, presence, and a willingness to stay in it. While there are many ways to make these processes easier, there is no getting around the formula for honest growth.”
There’s another important thing about those “lows.” They do not necessarily involve a low with your relationship — one partner may be experiencing a low that does not involve the other. That’s when it’s important to simply listen and be a source of support — if you’re partner is struggling with an issue outside of the relationship, it’s not your job to fix the problem.
In our day and age many people are focused on using technology to live more efficiently. That’s great, technology can help us streamline our jobs and daily tasks to free up time for ourselves. But the terrible temptation is to apply that mindset to relationships. There’s no efficient way to develop intimacy. Sharp highlights this insight, saying “The most meaningful relationships are the ones we slow down for. Eye contact over coffee. Long, winding conversations. Making up after a fight that didn’t have a script. These aren’t inefficient — they’re irreplaceable.”
With people being bombarded with clever sayings posted in social media, it’s easy to think that there’s some magic statement you can make to instantly deepen your relationship. There is not. But there are things you can say and questions you can ask that will help build intimacy. Asking questions to help you understand your partner better — and then truly listening to the answer — is a proven way to develop a deeper relationship. And this takes time — so have patience and enjoy the journey.