Children are amazing. They create entire worlds out of their imagination and can inhabit them for hours. They can alternate in an instant between being wonderfully generous and shockingly selfish. They also develop patterns of behavior in response to everyday challenges, instinctively reacting in ways that no one teaches them.

One day these children mature and their creativity is directed into different avenues. They learn that selfishness is frowned upon — by others and hopefully by themselves. But one thing that may not change much is the response to challenges that adults face — especially in relationships. Writing for Forbes.com, Mark Travers, Ph.D. recognizes this tendency and points out its danger: Behavior patterns developed in childhood to cope with conflict “helped us navigate difficult times, but as adults, they may hinder our ability to connect and communicate in healthy adult relationships. What once kept us safe can now distort intimacy, create misunderstandings and erode trust.”

Some of the ways kids cope with conflict and emotionally challenging situations is by adopting “roles” to manage circumstances but some of these can cause problems in adult situations. Travers lists four roles to look out for.

“The Peacemaker — When Avoiding Conflict Meant Staying Safe.” Conflicts happen in every family. Children observe how their parents deal with conflict and respond in fairly predictable ways. Unfortunately, if the adults in this situation are resolving (or failing to resolve) the situation by shouting or giving the silent treatment, children sometimes build a wall around themselves, suppressing their emotions to avoid trouble. Travers describes what this can look like if that pattern persists: “As an adult, this coping mechanism can quietly spill into your relationship. You may downplay your feelings to avoid rocking the boat. You might say ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no,’ or freeze during arguments. Your partner may sense something’s off — they’re speaking to you, but it feels like they’re talking to a version of you that’s there in body but not in heart.” The solution is to develop mature ways of dealing with conflict. (See How To Use Conflicts To Deepen Your Relationship.)

“The Over-Performer — When Love Was Conditional.” Most parents learn parenting on the fly, with a lot of trial-and-error thrown in. Thinking they’re motivating their kids properly, many effusively praise accomplishments. The problem is that an implicit message is that love is earned. In an adult relationship, the over-performer’s behavior can manifest as a need to do something for their partner. They’re not earning straight A’s in order to get praise — now they’re taking responsibility for making the relationship hum — which can seem a lot like controlling the relationship. The answer, though not always easy, is to turn the focus from me to we — developing and caring for the relationship together.

“The Hyper-Vigilant Observer — When Predicting Trouble Felt Like Being In Control.” If kids grow up in a household where conflict was common, they can become especially sensitive to signs of trouble coming. They may not be able to verbalize what they’re sensing but their perception is real and accurate. Carried into adulthood, that sensitivity can lead a person astray. “In relationships,” Travers notes, “you may read too deeply into a partner’s silence, see rejection where there’s indifference or become panicked by a delayed text. You might assume the worst: ‘They’re losing interest,’ ‘They’re going to leave.’ This triggers a cycle of protest behaviors — clinging, accusing or withdrawing — to regain a sense of control. Ironically, these behaviors often push the partner further away.” The solution, as is so often the case, is communication. If your partner is lost in thought, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re thinking of leaving you. They might be pondering a problem at work. Go ahead and ask — they’ll probably appreciate a little empathy.

“The Self-Sufficient Kind — When Depending On Others Felt Risky.” Parents can make mistakes in many ways as they raise their children. But one attitude that parents too often make is to neglect their children emotionally or inadvertently shame them as being too sensitive. Children raised in that environment learn to either detach themselves from their emotions or simply consider their emotions irrelevant. The result, as Travers explains, is that “In adult relationships, this emotional disconnect can manifest as extreme self-reliance. You may avoid emotional intimacy, feel anxious when others get too close or struggle to name what you’re feeling — even to yourself. You might pride yourself on being ‘low maintenance’ while quietly feeling unseen or misunderstood.” The solution is typically a long and slow process, beginning by identifying your emotions and naming them, then gradually becoming comfortable with your partner as you invite them into the process. Fortunately, this can also increase intimacy and improve the health of the relationship over time.