Any parent probably has great stories about teaching their kids to share. It’s not something that toddlers typically do naturally. As those kids turn into adolescents they’re taught a more sophisticated twist on sharing: You will receive as much as you give. From ancient proverbs to modern lyrics of popular songs this core belief is delivered as a way to simply be a better person. But there’s also a very important premise that is a corollary to the belief, and it’s one that is not often acknowledged. In personal relationships, healthy “giving” depends on the other person not perpetually taking without any reciprocal giving.

This is a fine line to walk because the motive for giving should not be to get something in return. But if the other person never reciprocates, the relationship is likely going to suffer if it survives at all. This brings up the importance of boundaries in the broadest sense. Writing for Healthline, Jennifer Chesak notes that “having boundaries allows you to make yourself a priority, whether that’s in self-care, carer aspirations or within relationships.” Setting boundaries need not be a selfish act at all. Indeed, as Chesak points out, “shifting your mindset to think of them as connecting points can be helpful. Boundaries provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, intimate or professional.”

The interesting thing about boundaries is that they differ for almost everyone — and the personal boundaries you find necessary may also differ based on the person you’re relating to and the situation. But defining the boundaries you feel comfortable with can pay real dividends. Paradoxically, a first step in establishing boundaries sometimes involves opening yourself up. Being open with another often involves admitting your own vulnerability which, ideally, inspires the other person to open up as well. This can actually increase the intimacy of the relationship.

Although the nature of a boundary may differ person to person, boundaries are invariably based upon basic human rights. In her article for Healthline, Chesak cites four basic rights that can help you establish your own boundaries.

• “Saying no without feeling guilty”
• “Being treated with respect”
• “Acknowledging the importance of personal needs”
• “Not being obligated to meeting the unreasonable expectations of others”

If you’re ever plagued by a feeling of guilt that you are being selfish — not “giving” freely — use these basic rights as a reference point. If someone is violating one or more of your basic rights, the problem is not that you’re being selfish — the problem is with the other person.

As with so many areas involving personal relationships, communication is key to maintaining boundaries in a healthy way. Whether it’s your desire to be contacted only during certain hours, or your reluctance to receive a hug from a person who is barely an acquaintance, it’s best to state your preferences clearly. What’s more, it’s okay to be assertive when you communicate. Assertive does not mean rude and it has the added value of leaving no room for misunderstanding.