If you’re in a fulfilling long-term romantic relationship. you probably don’t spend a lot of time asking yourself — why is everything just so right? If only that were the case when the relationship is not so fulfilling. Then the tendency is to be constantly nagged by the thought, what is so wrong?

If the problem is any kind of physical abuse, it’s sadly too easy to identify the behavior. But what if the problem involves your emotional relationship? Now we’re wading into murky waters. Emotional neglect can simply be your partner ignoring or not being in tune with your emotional state. Emotional abuse may be more clear-cut — negative language is fairly easy to spot. Often, though, emotional abuse is more subtle and nuanced. It can involve statements that negate or invalidate the value of your feelings.

Instead of trying to analyze subtle tones of voice or even body language, it can be more helpful to ask yourself a simple question: how does your partner make you feel? This can be helpful because if your partner is emotionally abusive, your trust in your own judgement may diminish over time. You may not be able to trust your ability to analyze behavior or verbal statements, but you are likely able to trust your ability to know how you feel.

This is especially important because the effects of living in an emotionally abusive relationship can have long-term negative consequences. Writing for Psychology Today, Gregory L. Jantz, Ph.D. gets to the crux of the issue, writing, “Emotional abuse is so damaging because it outlives its own life span. Not only does it damage a person’s self-esteem at the time it is done, it also sets up a life pattern that daily assaults the inner being. Present events and relationships are filtered through the negative messages and events of the past. Behavior is unknowingly modified to produce results consistent with the established life pattern. Through continued emotional assault, even a healthy life pattern can be subverted by an abusive one.”

What are these negative effects that deserve serious consideration? Jantz describes five. If you’re experiencing any of these, it may help to question whether emotional abuse may be a contributing factor.

Lack of emotional security. Unfortunately, emotional abuse does not only occur between adults. A parent can emotionally abuse their children. Children crave consistency in their day-to-day habits. This is shown when a parent breaks routine — skipping bedtime storytelling, for example — and the child overreacts as if something is terribly wrong. One upside of consistency is that it helps to set useful boundaries. The flipside, as Jantz points out, is a negative: “With emotional abuse, whether through purposeful or inadvertent neglect, children soon learn that anything is possible. There are no boundaries for behavior directed toward them. And when there are no boundaries, there is no security.”

Fear and anxiety. Lack of security has a predictable consequence in both children and adults: fear and anxiety. Not knowing what to expect from a situation — or a loved one — instills a fear of the future.

Guilt and shame. Whether someone explicitly states or simply implies what is compelling them to verbally abuse you, the message is the same: it’s your fault. Whether the reason for the shame that follows is understood or not, the result is awful. “The guilt you are feeling is not true guilt,” Jantz writes. “True guilt is brought on by the realistic understanding of your behavior and its consequences to yourself and others. False guilt is an oppressive burden that is not based on reality but on the warped views, ideas, and attitudes of others. Emotional abuse transfers those warped views onto you, and they produce mind-numbing, action-paralyzing shame.”

Anger. There is a quite human reaction to verbal abuse: rage. Anger and rage are terribly unhealthy — psychologically, physiologically and even spiritually.

Depression. There are many causes and types of depression. But being caught in a cycle of emotional abuse can be one of the root issues. “It is said that depression is only anger turned inward,” Jantz says. “Emotionally abused people often give up on emotions, since emotions have proven to be so damaging.”

Emotional abuse can be a very serious problem. Because it is nuanced and a person suffering from it may doubt their own beliefs, professional counseling is often the best path toward healing.