In most life situations, we’re rarely presented with clear-cut choices — obviously good or bad, right or wrong. When a choice is undoubtedly good or bad, it ironically makes your decision really easy. In relationships, we get a little guidance from something called red flags. Your potential partner does or says something that makes you quickly decide, I’m outta here!
But in everyday life, situations often fall into the gray area. Literary artists, with a keen eye for the subtleties of relationships, sometimes develop stories that bring these situations to life. Writing for Psychology Today, Cheralyn Leeby Ph.D., discusses a relevant concept recently introduced by a novelist. She says, “A newer term has emerged in the discourse, ‘beige flags.’ Beige flags refer to subtle signals or behaviors in a new relationship that suggest potential challenges or even the possibility of eventual abuse. Colleen Hoover’s novel It Ends with Us (and its subsequent film adaptation released in summer 2024) offers several examples of these beige flags, foreshadowing the more serious issues that arise between the protagonist, Lily Bloom, and her boyfriend, Ryle Kincaid.
Five of these examples are:
Explosiveness and Aggression. If a person falls into a rage against their partner, it’s a pretty clear-cut red flag. The same can be said for aggressive behavior. But what if a person rages against an inanimate object? If they slam doors, break dishes or, worse yet, kick the proverbial dog, it can be a beige flag that should not be ignored. “Explosive and aggressive coping styles can be significant predictors of future physical abuse in relationships,” Leeby writes. “A study by Schumacher et al. (2001) found that aggressive behavior toward objects is strongly correlated with physical abuse in intimate relationships.”
Jealousy and Possessiveness. These two traits are first cousins. Although some people might mistakenly think of them as a sign of affection, they are more likely to have their roots in distrust and a need to control the relationship. Expressions of jealously and possessiveness might be subtle at first, but they are a fairly reliable indicator of trouble ahead. Leeby points to recent research, saying “A study by Puente and Cohen (2020) found that intense and irrational jealousy is a strong predictor of emotional abuse among young adults. Similarly, Smith et al. (2022) found that jealousy-related behaviors, such as constant monitoring and unfounded accusations, create an environment of fear and dependence, potentially leading to more severe forms of abuse.”
Lack of Long-Term Friendships and Social Isolation. A person’s romantic relationship does not exist in isolation. Generally, a person’s character and underlying personal issues affect all of their relationships. That’s why a lack of long-term friendships is one of those beige flags that may indicate an inability to form deep, healthy relationships.
Patterns of Gaslighting. Gaslighting as a concept came fully into public consciousness when Merriam-Webster named it Word of the Year in 2022. Describing the act of psychologically manipulating someone to make them question reality, gaslighting may be the most subtle of all the beige flags. It’s also the most beguiling. As Leeby writes, “Gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional abuse that can have long-term psychological consequences. Gaslighting can leave deep emotional scars, making it one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse because it erodes the victim’s ability to trust their own mind.”
Warnings from Friends and Family. If someone’s friend or family member takes the time to warn you about the developing relationship, it really should be more than a beige flag — that’s as close to a red flag as you’re likely to get. Unfortunately, early in a relationship, when the release of “love hormones” may be affecting your judgment, you may not take such warnings to heart. If possible, try to be objective about your budding romantic relationship, or at least keep the warning in mind for further reflection sometime down the line.