Wouldn’t it be nice to have a crystal ball that unerringly predicted the future. It might be especially valuable when you first begin dating someone. Is this the one, oh crystal ball, who will joyfully be my lifetime partner?

Well, it’s not a crystal ball, but a concept developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman comes pretty close. The idea uses the biblical metaphor of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which describes the conquest, war, hunger and death associated with the end of the world. The Gottmans metaphorically describe the end of a romantic relationship being disastrously affected by Four Horsemen that doom a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

As a therapist, I have found that concept invaluable. I consider completing The Gottman Method Couples Therapy Program – Levels 1, 2 & 3 to be one of the highlights of my advanced training. Its research-based strategies and tools allow me to help couples form a friendship system which becomes the foundation for intimacy, passion and good sex. In fact, the value of the Gottman’s concept of the Four Horsemen is widely acknowledged. An article in Forbes.com goes so far as to say the method reveals “4 Signs That A Marriage Is Sure To End in Divorce.” The author of the article, Mark Travers, Ph.D., subdues that statement a little bit, writing “Through this research, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, he [Gottman] was able to predict which couples would eventually divorce with a staggering 94% accuracy.” Which is truly, as Travers says, a staggering achievement.

Let’s take the first of the horsemen: Criticism. A serious problem with criticism is that it sets the stage for other negative feelings to develop. Perhaps the most harmful of these feelings is the second horseman: Contempt. There may be no worse feeling than recognizing that your partner holds you in contempt. As Travers writes, “contempt involves making indignant statements from a perceived position of authority over your partner. It is the meanest, most condescending of the horsemen, which the Gottmans declare to be the greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt is generally the outcome of deep-seated resentment or anger, and can manifest various ways.” Indicators of contempt, sometimes unconsciously communicated, include:

• Sarcasm
• Insults
• Name-calling
• Disrespectful body language

If a relationship has deteriorated to the extent that one partner often exhibits contemptuous behavior, the future does not look good. Counseling is certainly called for at this point, or at the bare minimum a true resolve on the part of both partners to admit that something is terribly amiss and the relationship is in dire need of healing.

The third horseman is a natural and predictable response to being treated with contempt: Defensiveness. Defensive behavior often begins with excuses but can often turn into reverse blame. It’s a slippery slope that leads nowhere. It usually takes one of two forms. Travers summarizes the Gottman’s insights about defensiveness: “The first form is the ‘innocent victim stance,’ in which we whine or fish for excuses for our mistakes to make it seem as though we’re being wrongfully accused… The second form is the ‘righteous indignation stance,’ in which we fight criticism with criticism in an attempt to counterattack.”

The fourth horseman is an alternative to defensiveness, although it’s equally harmful: Stonewalling. Basically, stonewalling is an indication that one partner has given up. They may not want to respond negatively or simply may not know how to respond, so they ignore their partner. In its own way, this has already led to the end of the relationship.

There are, of course, degrees in every type of behavior. You may be defensive occasionally (most everyone is), but unless it’s a distinctive and frequent pattern of behavior, all is not lost. But, with a little soul searching, if one or all of the Four Horseman seem to have invaded your relationship, help is sincerely called for.