Individual Counseling Insights From Westlake Village-Based Patricia McTague-Loft
People initiate all kinds of conversations, usually with the expectation (even if unconsciously) that the conversation will be non-confrontational if not outright pleasant. The expectation for the quality of the conversation is typically based on the level of friendship you enjoy with the other person. You can be quite friendly with your gardener, but you probably aren’t expecting to build an intimate bond. On the flip side, if you only have pleasant but shallow conversations with your intimate friends and romantic partner, trouble is on the horizon.
Beyond instinctively initiating conversations with the appropriate level of intimacy, the scientific complexity behind the art of conversation is quite beguiling. Writing for Psychology Today, Nicklas Balboa and Richard D. Glaser, Ph.D., say “Conversations are not just a way of sharing information; they actually trigger physical and emotional changes in the brain that either open you up to having healthy, trusting conversations or close you down so that you speak from fear, caution, and anxiety. Conversations have the power to change the brain by boosting the production of hormones and neurotransmitters that stimulate body systems and nerve pathways, changing our body’s chemistry, not just for a moment, but perhaps for a lifetime.”
Because deeper, more intimate conversations can trigger the production of certain hormones, it should come as no surprise that some of the biochemicals released include dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins — the so-called “feel good” hormones associated with the “runner’s high.” People who are able to initiate intimate conversations realize that the conversation is its own reward. As Balboa and Glaser say, “As we come to understand the power of conversations in regulating how we feel every day, and the role language plays in the brain’s capacity to expand perspectives and create a ‘feel-good’ experience, we can learn to shape our world in profound and healthier ways.” In other words, we can learn to sharpen our ability to have healthy, deep conversations.
We don’t have different types of conversations merely based on the level of friendship or intimacy we share with another. We have different types of conversations based on what we’re trying to accomplish. Consciously or unconsciously developing an ability to conduct the appropriate type of conversation helps us communicate better. Balboa and Glaser classify these types as Levels.
Level I: Transactional Conversations. This type of conversation is typified by the dynamic of asking and telling. We’re trying to either give or collect information.
Level II: Positional Conversations. Although a truly open-minded person will listen to another’s position as well as advocate their own ideas, the fact is that most people (especially if they have a strong opinion about something) will simply try to persuade or influence another to adopt their ideas. In short, they’re trying to win an argument.
Level III: Transformational Conversations. These are the deep and trusting conversations you have with a romantic partner or intimate friend, one whom you respect and are willing to listen to. Even if you disagree, you are more open to understanding their position and perspective, which leads you to ask questions and listen to explanations. In a back-and-forth process, this leads to benefitting from shared wisdom.
The prerequisite for transformational conversations is trust. This is one reason we seem to be able to have productive, valuable conversations with true friends more easily than with acquaintances. Balboa and Glaser cite research that makes the case: “Our brain is designed to detect trust and distrust in our everyday conversations. This hardwiring is millions of years in the making. Trust is the first signal we seek to determine if we can open up or need to close down. Trust is the feeling of ‘I am safe, and I know you have my back.’ It is associated with the release of the neurotransmitter oxytocin, which is associated with love, bonding, and collaboration.” On the other hand, distrust has been shown to cause the release of stress hormones, which are associated with the famous “fight, flight or freeze” response — not an ideal state to initiate an intimate conversation.
There has been abundant research into the brain activity associated with conversations. See Balboa and Glaser’s article here for a more in-depth discussion of the role that the amygdala and pre-frontal cortex play in conversations; how co-regulation satisfies the human need for connection; and how brain activity during a conversation differs from activity of a single brain in action.