As any parent can tell you, raising kids is an adventure. Watching them turn from infants to toddlers to children interacting with their friends is magical. Along the way, of course, kids need a lot of guidance: learning to share, respect others and observe boundaries doesn’t come naturally. Parents often guide their children with gentle prompts and directives. Although this method of guidance is effective, there’s also another way to help children develop social skills and emotional intelligence: by asking questions.

Jack Wright, writing for the National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC), discusses this parenting technique at length. “Asking children questions,” he says, “is a way to guide them toward healthy behaviors by helping them think about what they do and what effect they have on others. Over the course of many years, children who receive lots of gentle reminders (often in the form of questions) develop the ability to think about behaviors before doing them.”

There are countless opportunities to ask questions in the course of a day or week. For example, accidents happen. It’s always a good idea, especially with young children, to avoid punishment for the all-too-typical spilled milk. Beyond that, though, accidents in general offer  good learning opportunities. Wright offers a simple question to ask in a variety of circumstances: What just happened here? This encourages children to think about the consequences of their behavior and over time helps them improve their behavior.

Although after-the-fact questions are fine, there are other chances to use a questioning technique as well. As Wright points out, “Asking a question before an action is also an excellent way to encourage good behaviors. For example, when getting a child dressed for going outside, asking Is it going to be cold outside? is more helpful and thought-provoking than simply telling him to put his coat on.”

The style of question you ask is also important. Asking open-ended questions is as effective with children as it is for business people or relationship counselors, because asking a question that elicits a yes or no answer often leads nowhere. Wright offers examples of open-ended questions that are particularly good if you can interrupt a behavior as it is happening, such as:

• What problems are there when you run in the house?
• What happens when you grab your sister’s doll away from her?
• What do you see on the table that might easily spill?
• Why is it healthy for you to brush your teeth?
• What are the good behavior ideas we came up with for going to the store?

The key in all cases with questions is to remain calm. Kids can intuitively pick up on anger and that inhibits them from thinking clearly. If calmly asking thoughtful open-ended questions can become a habit, you’ll not only see a positive change in behavior, you’ll develop a relationship with your kids that will carry over into their teen years and beyond. You’ll create the ability to use conversation to deepen your relationship for a lifetime.